As a self diagnosed psychopath, I love leaving my friends on the edge of their seats. Yes, I am the boy who cried wolf, but it comes from a place of love, or a need for attention. So basically, I wasn’t feeling the love & attention I deserve from my main baby girls. They were barely reading my articles, granted most of them can’t read, but still theres pictures! If they wont give daddy the love and attention he deserves, then ill make them realize what life is like without me. So as I was leaving work Friday, I decided to put my plan into action. First, I turned off my Find My Friends location.
Find My Friends is a must for all people who aren’t trying to get kidnapped. Basically its an app on all apple devices that allows you to share your location with your main bitches. This is so handy when you’re downtown, on your teen mom drunk grind & wandered off to the south side. Seriously, one night I was so trashed I disappeared and 5 hours later my girl Monya found me at a car dealership sleeping in a car. LIKE WTF DID BILL COSBY SLIP ME?
My next step was to turn off my Snapchat location and go silent on social media all weekend. No snaps, no tweets and sadly no insta nudes. SORRY GUYS! I’ve never realized how hard it was to not tweet my thoughts. I legit had some AMAZING commentary and I couldn’t tell anyone! Do you know how hard that is? I felt mute AF. So I spent my night thinking I was going to be ignoring call but legit my phone was more dead than Kevin Spacey’s career. Besides a SINGLE call from Caity and Cayla, I got NOTHING. Like are you kidding me? No, “Hey daddy TGIF”. Or “Daddy come play with me”. All I got was a single fucking facetime and I’m assuming its was for my Netflix password.
The next morning, Miss Alexis messaged me saying, “Hey, are you okay”. I didn’t respond, daddys so fucking bad. An hour later Alexis called my work, I had my co-worker say, “He didn’t show up to work today”. Now, Lexi lives down the road from my work so to make this as legit as possible, I parked my car down the road lmao. WHO FUCKING DOES THIS SHIT. I’m legit nuts, does Obamacare cover therapists? For the next few hours, Lexi, Caity and Cayla deadass blew my phone up, I lowkey got hard. I just loved all the amazing attention I was finally receiving. Now that it finally hit 5 o’clock and I obvs needed a drink I decided to hit my girls up, but in a cute and fun way! I tracked their location to Wegmans and legit started to chase their ass. I’m waving my hands and shit and finally they pull up, yelling at me, then I roll it down and they scream, “DADDDDDDY”.
Ugh, it was so amazing to see the look on my princesses faces. But Cayla wasn’t with them so naturally I was like wait lets call her and fucks with her. So in my fucked up head I thought it would be funny to call her and say, “Cayla please omg someone has me I need help, OMG he’s coming” and I hung up. I’m SO FUCKING BAD. Cayla then calls me, I answer and say, “Omg dont call he’s gonna find my phone”. Okay, heres where the story gets real fucked. Cayla then seriously calls Caity crying and goes, “Someone has Matt what do we do”. Okay, when I say I felt so fucking bad when I heard Cayla crying I legit mean it. I go, “Cayla omg its me I was joking, i’m sorry”. She deadass said fuck you and ignored all my calls all night lol. Like when I truly get kidnapped no ones going to believe it lmao.
I will now include ugly pictures of them with a quote of where they thought I was when I didn’t respond. They all CLAIM they read my articles so as long as these pictures are up, those lying bitches haven’t screamed at me to take them down 🙂
“I literally thought you were ignoring me because you owe me a smoke out”- Cayla Valentine
“I just thought either you’re in the hospital or your mom took your phone” – Alexis Witte
“Honestly I thought you were on a seeking arrangements date” -Caity Hamilton