It was a typical Saturday morning, I woke up at 7 am hungover, on my girlies couch, don’t judge, I ain’t no daddy! I had work at 730 so I was like wow I’ am making AMAZING timing, for once. I’m normally a Starbucks baby but sadly its not on the east side, so I had to reduce myself to gross ass Dunkin. I went to the one on Grant Blvd and everything was Gucci until I’m at the light to leave. Being an AMAZING driver I look both ways and as I look across the street, Gasp………I see a fucking child. No joke a legit boy who was at least three in a yellow t-shirt, bloody ass fingernails and a diaper. I’m like either this kush is some dank or this kid got some shit ass parents, let me know thou. I immediately go across the street, being the AMAZING samaritan I am, and pull into the parking lot of this joke of a house, seriously not even HGTV could save this thing.
The boy was on the front steps of the house so I start to scream to him because honestly I didn’t know what the fuck this kid had. He could of been some demon baby with those dirty ass fingernails and bit me, I ain’t getting Hep C! My Criminal Minds loving ass was thinking this kids parents died in a murder suicide and he’s found the bodies, Idk! Crazy shit happens all the time. Also I didn’t want to get too close to him because I could of been accused of some shit by his parents, seriously these days people will do ANYTHING for a quick buck, thank God I’am poor!
But when he started to like scream I was like ugh Daddy gotta grow a pair and save the day. So I get out and approach this house and legit its a crack house. Nothing inside but some random ass mattresses and blankets. I’m like okay Syracuse NEEDS to chill with the drugs. So I grab the boy and attempt to pick him up because he seriously had no shoes on. Then I fucking notice he smells like shit and his diaper was DIRTY AF. It took EVERYTHING not to drop this kid. Like yeah he’s three but he could of at LEAST given me a warning that he was type dirty, manners much? His diaper was at least a couple days old, the shit was caked on and rock hard, I wanted to gag quicker then a bulimic cheerleader.
When I looked down and found shit on my shirt, I seriously had a tear in my eye. Why me God, WHY? So I gently place him on the trunk of my car and place Monya’s sexy AF leather coat under him, SORRY GIRL, its all I had! This boy then jumped off my car and started to run down the street like some banshee. It was wayyy to early for that shit, I’m like really God quit with the games, I’ll go to mass tomorrow, damn you’re thirsty. I was hoping he would lead me to his home but instead he led me to the legit corner bar. I was like damn this boy three and he already know his parents second home, OKAY!
I then decided, okay this kids parents obviously don’t love him, so I called 911. They were like okay wow talk about a great way to start your Saturday and they’ll send someone ASAP Rocky. I then called work to tell then i’ll obvs be late, they laughed and said its okay Matt admit your hungover. I was like, Girl one don’t EVER accuse me of being hungover, you try raising a child on your own. Two check my snapchat BITCH cuz you know my ass recorded this shit. Like HOW RUDE, accusations get people shot. As I am attempting to figure out what to do with this dirty ass kid he then start to run around and screaming at me. I was NOT in the mood for this shit, first I have to drink BUNK ASS coffee from Dunkin and now I have to deal with little orphan Sammy, REALLY GOD. I like to believe God has all this cray shit happen to me, so him and his crew can laugh and chuckle at me like their own little reality show.
This guy then pulls over and was like dude can you not get a hold of your child? I look him up and down and said you SERIOUSLY think I would allow my child to leave the house dressed like this? BOY BYE! We then chill with the child as I tell him about my Lifetime movie Saturday! Seriously this shit only happens to me its unreal! Finally the fine boys in blue show up and they take the child from me. I’ve been looking in the papers for what the hell happened to that kid but legit nothing. Child Protective Services is BEYOND useless. How do I know? Because half my cousins still have custody of their kids, yeah that was shade! Its so geeked because I always say I want a child and then one day I legit find a child! However, seeing how dirty he was deff turned me off from that shit. Nanny’s are the ONLY way I’ll be able to deal with that anarchy. Also another Criminal Minds thought, imagine if instead of amazingly great me finding him, a fucking pedo creep did! Seriously thats how scary this world is, God legit was watching over that boy and sent him a guardian angel aka ME! Honestly people either donate to Planned Parenthood or at least learn to pull out. If you cant raise yourself, how the fuck you gonna raise a child?!?!
Xoxo Sir Dutches
Y’all prob think I’am lying about this but here’s the proof, I pay $5.99 a month for iCloud storage, don’t EVER accuse me of lying again because I ALWAYS have receipts.
LMFAOOOOO oh my god I don’t think I ever laughed soooo fucking hard in my life!!!! PLEASE GET A TV SHOW!!!!