I wanted to enjoy soooo many things in NYC, but I couldn’t because I was alone and I didn’t want people to think I was some type of white psychopath. I feel like you can’t walk alone in NYC without people questioning your motives. If I saw a white boy alone my ass would immediately be on red alert. People prob though I was Antifa but really I was coming to pick up Lola, my sisters dog.
My sister’s a dancer and no not the type of dancer ur mum is. She’s traveling for like a month with a dance company. So me, being the AMAZING, Roman Catholic I am, said I would pick up her little fur ball of joy. I planned on driving so I can listen to all my podcasts, however my parents spoiled that one. They go, “No you can’t afford another speeding ticket. You’re taking the bus”. I truly regret listening to them on that decision. The bus was so gross and because Syracuse was the last stop, my ass legit sat next to the bathroom! I seriously could tell if someone was taking a 1 or a 2. Worst part was, the door was a push one and people are mad dumb, so constantly people would wake me up and ask if someone was in there. NO DUMBASS PUSH!
When we finally arrived in NYC it’s around 12:35am. I walk outside and get my first whiff of that warm UTI pee smell NYC is so famous for. Seriously the whole city smelled like straight trash & legit trash was EVERYWHERE. Sooo Gross! From the streets to the subway. I truly felt like the rats were watching my every move. My Uber driver was a man named Kumar who was jamming to, No Scrubs. Like I’m sorry but at 1245 am on a Monday night Kumar’s ass needed to chill, Papi wayy too tired for that.
My mood however changed that next morning. I woke up at 7am to the sound of Harlem doing its THANG! I walked Lola, everyone was loving her, she’s truly a people person. I got my Starbucks and I was smoking my vape pen. Okay for all you stoners you seriously need to get a weed oil pen. They look like e-Cig’s so people think you’re a douche bag smoking a e-cig but really you’re just getting hella lit! It’s honestly AMAZING!
Everything was lit till it came time to take the dumb ass subway. Shit is so confusing, which way was going uptown and which way was going downtown??? Like they really need arrows for that shit. Twice! I went on the wrong subway because THEY make it harder than it needs to be. I was going to walk but after getting cat called twice I decided I shouldn’t let my cute ass fool them. So I took an Uber like a normal prick.
I’m not gonna lie I had a moment of being a little baby back bitch. I was doing my daddy walk around 11 pm and everything’s fine till I turn the corner and there’s mad homies just chilling on the stoop. For a minute I felt like I was on Law & Order: SVU. I prob looked like such a pussy with my airpods in while walking a little ass dog. I was lowkey scared for a hot min till two of them gave me the head nod and one of them said my dog was cute. I make friends everywhere! Legit I need to stop Stereotyping people, its unattractive.
My last day I had more anxiety than a middle schooler. I had to travel to West Village to meet Courtney for Drinks & gossip, all while carrying my suitcase and Lola’s lazy ass. She refused to walk where I needed to go, so I had her dragging me all around New York, it was truly embarrassing. We finally meet up and Courtney took me to at least 3 restaurant where I made us leave because the food was beyond weird. It’s brunch time… where’s the fucking French toast? Everything was Gluten free this or olive oil fried that. NO! I want my unhealthy food that could potentially kill me. I’m here for a GOOD time, NOT a long time.
We finally arrive at this one restaurant simply due to the fact they had half off bottles of wine. After all that walking, I deserved to get white girl wasted! Hours of laughing and gossiping go by till I realize it’s 1:10pm and my bus left at 2pm. Seriously thank God for Ahmed he was making those roads his bitch, we even had a little tiff when a guy got out because Ahmed yelled at him (obvs included in the video below). I was living for it! I legit arrived at the bus station at 1:40pm and my sweaty ass finally got a seat. I was all excited because due to the dog I was sitting alone. No one wants to sit with a dog, that shits annoying. However God had to be rude and at the last minute this smelly ass dude with legit 5 bags sat next to me. I escaped the smell of dirty ass New York only to sit next to someone who smells like week old piss. Really god? Quite playing it’s so extra at this point.
Xoxo love clean air
Sir Dutches 
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