Jesus loves me, yes I know! Despite what the Bible tells me so


I like to believe God and I are mad close. Basically the modern day Thelma & Louise. I’m the naughty friend, always getting us into some shenanigans and he’s the responsible one always fixing my mistakes. No matter how cute and adorable we are, the Bible is still VERY questionable to me. It’s not even the fact that it’s been translated from its original language mad times, so it’s meaning could have been lost in translation. It’s the fact that we’re supposed to believe the words of its authors. I don’t know these dude! Where’s their citations page? Like who are you? It could lowkey be a game of telephone, people gossiping about random dudes and someone finally decided to write it down. I don’t like to entertain gossip. Until TMZ confirms it, I don’t believe it.

The Bible was written in two parts, very convenient. Was this done to sell more copies? Like when they spilt the last Hunger Games book into two shitty movies. I trust & believe in Jesus Christ, my lord & savor but that story could be all hype. How do we know this “Jesus” dude didn’t just make all this up to impress some babes. Like come on, telling a girl you turned water into wine is such a dope pick up line. Jesus deff slayed mad ass with those types of stories. Also it’s lowkey weird he only hung out with dudes…. but his followers are homophobic, like okay lmao??? Sausage Party much? Those boyz only meetings should of had at least a 2 to 3 tits to dick ratio.

God, I 100% believe in, there have been mad times I could of died or worse ended up in jail being big Tony’s bitch. As always, he has pulled through for me! Like when I made a fake Facebook for a teacher in 9th grade and she tried to press charges for stalking because she was legit dramatic, it was a Facebook page! Not me burning “I Love You” with gasoline on her front lawn. So vain. Like always, God pulled through and cleared my name because she over-exaggerated the whole thing and luckily I had email receipts of what was REALLY on it. It was only online for less then 12 hours, how much damage could I have really done!

I like the feeling of knowing whenever I’m down in the dumps and my friends are being hella fake there’s always someone I can turn too, my God who’s an awesome God we praise. Lowkey, Church music be mad lit. Like “have you heard the story about Christ? That homies finally here”. Such a jam. I seriously get face down ass up during mass when they be playing my favorite Jesus Jams.

I identify as Roman Catholic and even made my confirmation, barely. My confirmation name WAS “Matthew Patrick Judas Oleary”, till they noticed it after typing up the programs. It was a joke, sorry your secretaries dumb ass didn’t notice it. I made church group fun! Without me I seriously think 90% of the group would of dropped out. Yeah our parents forced us to be there, but they could of ran away. Or say they were gay and get kicked out. I always asked amazing questions, that my teachers would get pissed at.  The bible is some biblical Harry Potter shit. He dies, comes back then bounces again? Thats some magic shit that any more person would question. Was Jesus a wizard? Like when he bounced again after Easter where’d he go? I know the crazy Mormons believe he went to North America(lmao boy bye) but like where did he really go? Did his daddy make him go back to Heaven? Or is he a loaner drifter who never ages like Morgan Freeman, just being a stranger on a bus……

Churches are full of the most judgmental jealous bitches I have EVER MET. Yeah my church choir kicked me out for making my own solos but I still attend and make sure I sing way louder than their wanna be Glee asses. Church folks, like Bonnie want to be all high and mighty because she’s always handing out communion and teaches bible study but lowkey she a xanny head. You ain’t shit. Don’t judge me girl because God and I are busy judging YOU! I think thats the reason churches are homophobic, because they need a group of people to hate to cover up for the fact that they lowkey hate themselves. They hate that they married their first love and never experienced a thot stage. They hate that they raised some weird ass bible loving kids who have zero friends besides the holy spirit. They just hate their boring ass lives so they take it out on everyone else. WELL NOT WITH ME BONNIE.

No matter how close God and I might be, I am legit grossed out by the Catholic Church. All that child sex abuse that THEY covered up legit grosses me out. It’s really makes you question how God could allow that. Kids were being passed around for DECADES and when people would finally speak out, they would move the priest to another church. How sick can these people be? The devil is waiting for them to die so he can welcome them to hell. Everyone who covered this up will rot in hell next to Hitler and Kevin Spacey. Hopefully there will be lessons from it, like be more open with your investigations. As soon as their is a claim the public should be aware. And also let the priest get married, a life of no sex, what the hell do you expect to happen?

God and I are close despise what SOME people would expect. If you talk shit or cross me, expect Gods full wrath down upon you. Because my LOYAL friends, are ALWAYS there for me. If God deems you to be un-loyal he will let me know in a VERY dramatic way. Like when people lie about where they are God says, “check their lying ass location on Find My Friends”. You probably are thinking I’m crazy right now BUT I asked God and he said it’s not being crazy, it’s HIS way of telling me who’s loyal and who’s a JUDAS.

Xoxo don’t EVER try to out sing me at church again.

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