The Bachelor: May I bust in you?

A question I am asked very often is, “Papi with ur “condition” how will you spread your AMAZING genes to the next generation”? With a reality tv show obvs. Imma Kris Jenner myself, anything for a paycheck.

The way I envision it, is a “The Bachelor” style show with 12 of the BEST women America has to offer. No heifers & no uglies. I want the top of the crop, no second litter babes on MY show. Home girl gonna be carrying MY little guy or girl, I ain’t allowing just ANYONE to fertilize my sperm.

Each week we’ll have a different challenge. From IQ tests to athletic races. I want only the most intelligent female in tip top shape to carry MY child. I want a greek goddess type body, someone like Wonder Women. All races MAY apply. I think my cheek bones could look AMAZING on any skin color. A rainbow of little Daddy’s, how CUTE!

Also, we can go on dates! Because I’m a feminist, she can pay. I’ll meet your family, we can all get STD tests. And at the end of each week, one girl will go and will NOT get a baby fetus. Yeah instead of a rose all my girlies will get a cute baby fetus with my face on it to symbolize her getting closer and closer to winning my sperm. Okay that sounded gross lmao.

Also no dirty girls. I don’t want my baby to have any problems and also no cig smokers. My baby ain’t having no lung problems. NO THANK YOU! You must consent to a genealogy report so I can make everything all good in your DNA hood. I know that may sound petty but lets be honest, no one wants to raise a ugly baby. Its way more work because ugly baby grow up to be the weirdos with zeros friend. I don’t have time to spend my weekends with my weird ass teenager. NO THANK YOU!

If you win, not only will you get to carry Daddy’s seed in you for 9 months, you also get on my Apple Music family plan! That also includes access to my iTunes movie collection. So yeah it’s a pretty lit deal. If I like you enough once a year you can see MY kid. If you’re annoying, you must sign over ALL rights to me.

Lastly, I will NOT be like the Kardashian’s, you can exploit the fuck out of this. I will not be a bitch and blur your face. So petty of them.You can use my name to get your Instagram poppin, get that Flat Tummy Tea sponsorship girl! HOWEVER, because I created you, I CAN destroy you. You must give me 10% of all profits, think of me as your manager.

Also if you’re wondering why I don’t adopt, that’s really invasive. You don’t know my life. But to be frank I feel like it’s my good deed to spread my AMAZING genes. With these cheek bones, it’s HONESTLY my Christian duty to procreate.

Xoxo sorry Tish, but no baby fetus for you.