The gay community are the most self centered group of people I’ve ever made fun of. They are THAT jealous of me they literally are trying to take away MY special day aka my birthday. Or as they call it National Coming Out of the Closet Day. EYE ROLL
Seriously if you try to come out on MY special day I will shove your ass back in so fucking quick, don’t test me. This “It gets better” bullshit is a LIE they made up just to ruin MY special day. Spoiler alert, IT DOESNT, go back to being like Tom Cruise.
Sometimes I am truly convinced my life is a sick joke. Just when everything starts to be amazing and peachy keen, you turn the corner and discover a giant walls banner that will forever become a running joke in high school.
As I stated in my Monday article, I always had my run in with some jealously. With natural cheek bones like mine, it comes with the territory. It’s so annoying thou because I want to be insulted with depth. If I took a shot every time I heard the classic “homo”, “Queer” and my forever favorite “fag”, I would black out, craving some vagina drunk.
The most IMPRESSIVE, insult to ever come my way was by my friend, who was my enemy at the time. This insult sealed our friendship because I was honestly impressed with how catchy it was.
One day he screams, “yooo Matt O’Queery come here”. At first my face was beat red, but then I honestly started to die laughing. I was so impressed with this one! It was so creative and unique. I was blushing because he truly took time with this insult. I was pretty blessed that he was THAT dedicated to insulting me, honestly made me feel appreciated.
The most ANNOYING running joke EVER will be how my birthday is LEGIT, “National coming out day” like really? My mom couldn’t keep me in for at least one more day? Who the fuck told her to push? Fire that doctor! Between that and her raising me on only Celine Dion, she’s the reasons for my sass.
October 11th is MY DAY, not a day for a bunch of queers to “discover” themselves. Do THAT on your own time. Not on the day to celebrate the birthday of Christ, I mean me!
I discovered this shitty made up holiday in middle school while I was attending a Fergie concert at the Carrier Dome. I went with a friend and before the concert we were walking around the buildings. That’s when I first see a big ass banner saying “National Coming Out of the Closet Day Oct. 11” like wtf Syracuse University was basically trying to get me jumped!
I was mortified, I try to make us go the other way but it was too late… he saw it. “Waittt isn’t that your birthday?”. Nah I don’t celebrate birthdays I’m a Jehovah witness…
The next day instead of telling everyone how AMAZING Fergie was he let everyone know about how the LGBTmeowhiss community stole MY special day. So rude, I knew gay people were attention seekers but this is a new low even for them. It’s not my fault I’m everyone favorite sinner! Quit with the crop tops and clown make up and maybe little kids wouldn’t be so scared of you.
Xoxo come out on MY special day and you can catch these hands
Sir Dutches 
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