My poor friend invited me over to her step mom’s house for a memorial day Bee-Bee-Que, she said “seeing how the poor lives will truly humble you”. I felt pretty blessed to be able to judge her family while also giving respect to the troops. This day would end up being VERY eye opening for me. I didn’t realize how stale food from Aldi’s was. Thank GOD I’m a Wegmans baby.
When I walked in I immediately got a whiff of expired milk and cheese. I’m assuming it’s the same cheese CiCi’s pizza uses, judging by the shits everyone had earlier. When I look over I was beyond shook to see a “Fastrac Potato salad” container, I instantly gag. Really? Do you want diarrhea?
I was asked to bring just paper plates, which then turned into hamburgers and hotdogs. THEN when I got there I was asked to run to the store to get buns as well. Like damn, I didn’t realize this was BYOF, bring your own food. They had no money for food but yes, the beer and Smirnoff’s were STOCKED! Everyone was hella hungry but I guess buying scratch offs is more important. He who walks with debt, would be proud.
What really reflected their economic status was their pizza. It didn’t even have fucking cheese. Like really? How white trash. Her mum kept on saying it’s not supposed to have cheese it’s Italian. Girl stop lying! I’ve seen the Lizzie McQuire movie….. there was deff cheese in Rome. She called it Tomato pie…. I called it Chef Boyardee pizza, beyond ghetto. I’ll donate the cheese next time, along with the paper plates, chewing dip and mike’s harders to shut the kids up.
The most confusing thing of the day was all the kids running around and every time I asked who’s the parents, everyone was like I don’t know, beats me. Um Como Se Dice CPS? Where’s pop pop? Who gave birth to these all Hawaiian Fruit punch little shits? Does no one pull out anymore?
When I asked my girl what’s good, I got ALL of the family drama. Each of the aunties had madddd baby daddy drama. Aunt Stacy’s man knocked her up and left her to live his best life with Amber from Supercuts. Aunt Becky’s mans is severing 3 to 5 in Attaca for armed robbery at a Dollar Tree. And lastly Aunt Lynn likes box. So I guess you can say, she ALWAYS be eating out.
I assumed the theme was this “get together” was NASCAR and chewing dip because that’s all everyone did but me, sorry I enjoy white teeth. As soon as I saw they were microwaving the hot dogs I knew I had to get the hell out. I would NEVER degrade my body like that. I have too much respect, my body IS a temple.
But not before the last drama of the day. My girls younger sister was caught making a plate for her mans and his kids. Not even her kids, HIS KIDS. “Let them starve”, they all screamed, “their mama can make them something. I’ll give her the number for meals on wheels”. Who hurt them? Damn they all so COLD!
Everyone hates her mans Glen because he a dead beat but she says nah he an entrepreneur, he sells dat coke. Don’t hate. As soon as aunt Lynn found out who the plate was for she popped off quicker than Ellen DeGeneres at Hooters. Shit went down, bottles were thrown, Newport’s were smoked and luckily CPS wasn’t called.
All n All, it was a pretty scummy day but at least I learned a valuable lesson, always pull out and never fuck someone who eats microwaved hotdogs. Should I judge these people because they didn’t have name brand hot dogs, no! I should judge them cuz one of them stole my fucking wallet. For now on the only charity I deal with is my daughter charity.
Xoxo thanks for the bowel cleanse
Sir Dutches 
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