Compared to MY Harry Potter themed wedding, the Royal Wedding was shit


As with everything I do, my wedding will be THEE event of the year. Legit if you’re not invited, heres a rope, take a hint. I only want the BEST of the litter there on MY special day. Disney weddings are sooooooo last century. Been there, DONE THAT. This needs to be something even the Catholic Church is like damn we should of hosted that shit.

So after much debating between a “Game of Thrones” Red Wedding and a “Harry Potter” themed one I decided on Harry Potter. This will NOT be your basic bitch Harry Potter themed wedding, this will be a live theatrical wizarding event, aired live on NBC (because they own the rights to Harry Potter). Get your wand together bitches because its time to create some magic (wow that was beyond extra).

Obviously this will be at The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios in Florida, too much smog in California. I am almost positive there hasn’t been a wedding there yet soooo someone rich hit me up ASAP so we can be the first! I’m going to have to rent the whole park because this is an all day event. I don’t want randoms at my wedding, ISIS could try to take the attention off me by doing a bombing! Such attention whores.  Im estimating the budget for this wedding to be over $50 million, AT LEAST. I refuse to half ass MY special day.

First, everyone will get an invite but it will be like the screaming letter from “Chamber of Secrets”, legit this thing will scream at you and then explode, yeah its that legit. However theres a little hidden drama with the invites, secretly there will be two. One for muggles(gross) and one for us magical bitches. If you get the muggle one, sorry but if you show up you will be turned away at the gates. You may think this is cruel but come ON my tv special needs to have SOME drama. Imagine peoples reactions when they find out they spent all that money to travel to Florida just to get turned away, lmaooo im SO BAD!

Everyone will start off in Hogsmead for some butterbeer and group gossip about how great I am, then everyone will hop on the Hogwarts Express to travel to Hogswarts Castle. There will be two fire breathing dragons that blow fire as you walk in to take your seats. Each seat will have a brochure of my favorite pictures, of myself.

As I come down isle who ever I’m marrying will already be up there in a corner somewhere idk this is all about me….not them. A cold smoke sets over the air, the castle lights up, BAM, a 50 piece orchestra starts to play the “Harry Potter theme”, but no daddy yet. Ill leave people questioning if I left his ass at the alter, did I pull a “Runaway Bride” but then, whats that?  Hedwig the owl comes sweeping in, carrying the rings.

Then I’ll appear from the heavens above on my broomstick. Legit yeah talk about making an entrance. Ill be wearing a tight, sexy suit but over that will be an AMAZING, talked about for years, a white robe/shaw that will be caped over my shoulders. This will be made out of so many dead animals PETA will be sneaking in red paint to throw on me. Which is the plan because I look AMAZING in red. OMG the red and the white legit will be to die for.


Just when you think all the dramas is over, thunder strikes and the “Deatheaters” sign appears across the sky, oh shit,  Voldemort is here, you know shit about to go down. As soon as he shows up I jump on my broom and yeah we have a fucking wand duel for at least 20 minutes. I told y’all this wasn’t a normal wedding, its legit a broadway play, hell I even sing “Ill put a spell on you” to start off the dinner party in the “Great Hall” after.

Finally, after defeating Voldemort, I’m ready to get married. Everyone will pull out the wand giving in their care packages( which include a blanket of my face, a mug of my face, panties of my face and a wand that will shout out all my catchphrases). The wands tip will light up and that will guide me down the aisle. As I make it to the top, they can do their vows real quick, 2 minutes top.

Then my turn for my vows, mine will be a combination of a Celine Dion song with a hint of Migos. Basically this wedding isn’t to celebrate two people getting married, its to celebrate MY love for Harry Potter. If who ever I marry doesn’t like this, they can get a muggle invite real quick, ill even personally show them the door.

After the wedding ceremony we’ll move to the great hall for dinner. All my best girlies will be seated at the top with me obvs. I already wrote their speeches that will reflect how AMAZING I am plus we’ll sprinkle in some old stories. Dinner will be a buffet of pizza, wings, steak and burgers. Plus appetizers of mozzarella sticks and load fries with melted cheese and bacon, so yeah its gonna be pretty lit.

Celine Dion will sing my first dance and by my, I mean only me. No first slow dance that shit is so corny. Instead I’ll preform an interpretive dance to “Its all coming back to me”, pretty emotional stuff. Then we can all end the night away dancing to all my favorite hits. Wow fuck a wedding I wanna do this just to celebrate me! Someone rich make this shit happen, I deserve it.

Xoxo its my wedding, take the attention away from me in any way and ill cut a bitch



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