Sharting in my girls bed will NOT get you a second date

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This story is beyond geeked and its real news. You know me, I NEVER lie, I’m Roman Catholic, son of God. This story happened about a year ago and this weekend after wine and giggles, I FINALLY got my girlie drunk enough to sign a release form so I can tell the story and NOT get sued. Love her but I KNOW she would deff sue me so she can afford a lifetime supply of Patagonia jackets.

Last summer, Rosies was THEE place to be, if you wanted to see a mix of gang life, hillbilly trash and middle class white kids who had NO business being there, aka us. We love it there because either it will be a night of fun or someone will pull out a gun and you’ll have to run for your life type of night. Seriously that happened one night.

Some dudes girlfriend got in but his ID was denied. This girl obvs was a thot because instead of leaving with him she deadass went inside. He freaked out, they dragged him away. Not even 20 minutes later a van comes whipping by and he gets out waving a gun saying she better fucking come out. When I say my ass ran, I mean my ass was like Usain Bolt and I jetted the fuck out of there. So yeah so much fun!

As we are getting to leave this time, a dude from my girlies past comes running up asking for a ride home. Ummmm this isn’t Uber, Centro bus stop is across the street, you’re welcome. But my girl is like Mother Theresa, and agreed to do some charity work. We came back to her crib and we chilled and grilled him for a hot min about his life. The normal questions; job, hobbies, STD record, most recent paycheck amount and his social security number, the basics. After we agreed he passed the daddy hook up test, we all parted our ways thinking my girlie would just have a normal night time aerobics class.

But the body works in a different way I guess? Everything at night was fine, he lasted about 5 minutes, so she was blessed. Then she woke up the next day and found a surprise in the bed….. Was it breakfast in bed? No. Was it a diamond neckless? No. Sadly instead it was a shit stain on her fucking bed sheet. Yeah a legit poopy brown stain on her white egyptian cotton sheets that looked like he attempted to clean it up, thanks?

Yeah no you need to burn those sheets.Not even a “Tide to go” will get that shit out, literally. Like wtf, did he think he had a little toot he was gonna casually let out? RUDE! WTF happened? I need to know his side of this story. Both of them have not addressed this. Like how could you? Hey did you shit my bed? Was it my cooking last night?

If I was him I would of honestly woke up and been like omg girl did you have a accident? Ewww you nasty girl da fuq you eat? Old County Buffett? When she told us this story I thought she was just joking. Then she offered to show me the sheets, I go girl if you don’t burn those sheets imma call the health department real quick. I can NOT believe he did a shit & dash. Like wtf was he on? Taco Bell & Molly?

Xoxo due to him ass eatin season is officially OVER

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