I came here to get lit, I didn’t know they stole shit! Why you ask questions first, get face down ass up later.

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As everyones favorite sinner, I have a vast, diverse group of friends. Well I did before the cleanse of 2016. I mostly had my main cast of friends, and my supporting characters. The ones who would make random appearances on a episode or two, we really don’t know their background story but hey their still there!

One night during the summer going into my freshman year of college I was hanging with my two girlies. We were about to star gaze like a couple of pre-teen queers but my friend, Alan(obvs made up I aint getting sued), invited me over to our friends Brittany’s house for a “get together”. Brittany was known for her parties, sometimes they’re low-key. Other times a psycho pulls out a gun because his girlfriend didn’t wanna leave. So yeah sometimes shit got real. I’m like you’re all white, chill with that wanna be gangster shit.

We decided to take Alan up on his offer and go to Brittanys, better then getting attacked by the rude as shit mosquitos(why did God make them? WHY). So we go over, and they’re about 7 other dudes there, again normal. Brittanys parties normally were sausage fest so this didn’t set off any red flags, I WISH IT DID.

So for about an hour we get mad lit, we laugh, we cry, I make fun. Then someone brings out a bong legit taller than me and offers me a hit, as a Roman Catholic, I couldn’t decline. That one hit almost killed me, seriously I saw my life flash before me as I was coughing up a lung. Thats when it hit me, WHERE THE FUCK IS BRITTANY?!?!?

As I finally get over my sudden asthma attack, I ask them, “Umm where’s Brittany”. They all giggle like a couple of school yard assholes. I go, “Umm what about her brothers”. Again, the gay ass giggles, “They’re all on vacation”. My girlies look at me and give me that look like wtf did you get up involve in. “Sooo she said you can have a party here”…..I heard one giggle and I screamed at that mother fucker so loud, “STFU and tell me whats going on before I call her”. “Well we know her garage door code”. That was all I needed to hear, I wiped down my finger prints and got my girlies and we bounced. I threw so much shade when I left, “You boys should be ashamed of yourself”.

In an ideal world, the story would end with my girlies and I laughing about this over a milkshake at the diner(like on Riverdale) and the guys at the house would say the classic, “Matts such a fag, he’s a fun sucker and not the good kind”. But God, always be giving me life lessons, like I’m on “7th Heaven” or something.

A week later, I’m at my girl TT’s house enjoying some mixed drinks, pizza and movies aka a girls night IN. Before our face masks can even settle, I get a text from stupid ass Alan. “Yoooo dude she knows”, I honestly forgot about last week so I was like, “About what? Did you call the wrong daddy?”. He didn’t laugh, “No, Brittany knows about us being in her house last week, someone stole her laptop”. I take a big gulp of my drink for dramatic purposes and go, “No, she knows that YOU guys broke into her house and someone stole her laptop, thats a YOU problem, not a ME problem, Toodles”.

His rude ass goes, “Well she might be calling you so it is a YOU, problem”, the nerve of this boy. Bad Boys are all fun and games till you’re accused of stealing a laptop. I go whatever I’ll let homegirl know whats good. Not even 5 minutes later she calls me and say I have to come over to tell her parents what happened and to call my other friends who were there too. We were was like 3 drinks in, so TT and I were really feeling it. We had no business, conducting business in this state but duty calls and I HAD to clear my name.

All 3 of us meet up plus TT and Miss Alexis because she was with my other friends at the time. We show up squad deep ready to get all Nancy Drew on Brittanys La familia. As we walk in, we all gave every single boy the dirtiest looks ever, I even gave a few “tisk, tisk” and “I am VERY disappointed boyssss”. However, Brittanys parents immediately put us in the criminal category and one by one they all went off on all of us. Again, I’m tipsy so holding back my laughing was very hard. Even her brothers yelled at us, including the youngest, I think I busted my lip from trying not to laugh.

They pieced the week together and figured out that Brittany gave the garage code to one person and he was the one who let everyone in, AKA this all his fault. Also, someone tried to break in the backdoor, but that was a mystery to all. These losers are one by one accusing each other but everyones claiming they never used the laptop, LIES. Her parents said that if they didn’t get the laptop by tomorrow everyone had to pay $400 dollars to replace the laptop. It was VERY slow on that for me. I was going to college in the fall, I had to buy mad adorable shit for my dorm. Go start a GoFundMe?

After that I finally was able to speak and I go A. these dumbasses invited us over and never said they broke in. B. do you have find my MacBook on? Her parents where like why didn’t you ask, WHY. I go, “well seeing that your daughter ALWAYS has parties, I didn’t think I needed to ask if she would be there” SHADE.

She said she wasn’t sure about find my MacBook, so we go downstairs to try to find it. Thats when we discovered two critical things, one she’s a legit dumbass because she clicked NO when they asked if you wanted to track your MacBook and two, this guy Craig randomly dropped this bomb, “the last time I saw the laptop was when Frank was playing music on it”.

I whipped my head around so quick and said, “WTF are you dense, why didn’t you tell us that upstairs”. “Ummm ummm I don’t know, me forgot”. I slapped him for being an idiot and went upstairs. “So frank you played music on the laptop?”. Legit like a scene out of Degrassi, the music cut and everyone got quite, “No that was Buster…….”.

I knew his ass was lying because Buster wasn’t trash but like a Lynch mob everyone got into their cars to go confront Buster, at 1 in the morning. He lived in the basement so everyone was knocking on his window to wake him up after about 20 minutes of that TT knocked on the front door, got his mom, who was honestly probably terrified and got Buster to come out. He legit was half asleep, I felt bad lmaooo. Thats when he told us he never touched the laptop only Frank did and asked the question none of us realized, “Where did Frank go”.

Well we were all acting like psychos banging on Busters window, this dumbass made himself look even worse by running back home, thinking our determined ass wouldn’t go confront him too!! The angry mod gets in the cars again, now with Buster, and show up at Franks house. He wouldn’t answer so again TT banged on that door and now got his mom too. She’s screaming going nuts saying she’ll find it if he has it. Girl, he has it so you better find it.

I was beat and honestly needed a Xanax after that roller coaster of a night. So we all went home, legit jaw dropped on how girlies night in ended up like this. I wake up the next day with a call from Brittany, I was legit about to pop off if she was calling to tell me we all had to come over again.

Instead she’s screaming saying someone left her laptop on her neighbors front steps, not her steps, her neighbors. Why? Because Brittany’s other neighbor has a camera facing the house. This tells us that this was most definitely someone very close to Brittany who knows her house well. Some say it was Frank, others say it was Alan. In some deep corners of Liverpool there’s conspiracies that it was Brittney so she can buy more Flat Tummy Tea. All I know is my ass is INNOCENT.

Xoxo knowing someone garage code ISN’T permission to smoke it out

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