Last night drunk I realized, I’m going to die alone, just like Jesus, because the D ain’t worth the Hep C


I was downtown last night and some dude is chatting up a storm with little old me. I have AMAZING gay-dar but these days, dudes are becoming pussies and way too into their feelings. This makes it hard to tell if they are just being nice or flirting with daddy. Is he head over hill by daddy cheek bones or just a chatty Kathy. Like all I want is for you to buy me a drink and a hot dog from the food truck outside. Because I’m cheap and have the munchies, but I don’t wanna over step and get jumped by him and his “boyysss”. This is why at the bars I look like Nancy Drew trying to figure out who killed old man Jenkins. Is homeboy into daddy or lowkey trying to fuck his hoes. This is a struggle I face daily. 

I’ve had people try to set me up before in the past but everyone was more of a headache than a Gay Pride Parade. Chill with the “Yass bitch” or asking me who’s my fav on Ru Paul drag race. Those are fags, fucking annoying gays. I need a Sag, a Sporty Athletic Gay.

Someone who is always watching sports till papa’s shows are on and I turn that shit off. Ripped to the  point where I’m like, okay he could snap me in half like a twig. Someone that is so obsessed with me and protective, he bans me from hanging with my girlies cause he thinks they all want a piece of papi ass.

Whats so extra thou is when dudes do talk to me, their friends or MY friends will make a scene about it. Sorry people love me and want to get to know everyones favorite sinner. Can y’all chill, trust me if I was flirting, YOU WOULD KNOW. I would do the Legally Blonde, bend & snap.

My body is like Legend of the Hidden Temple. Everyone knows the stories and tales of how AMAZING/talented Papi is, but this body is a temple, hidden from the world. I don’t ALLOW just anyone to get pass the gates. You gotta buy me a rum & coke or a fur coat first.

Mad dudes are dirty, I’m sorry imma keep it real. Why? Because when a guy and girl are together, the dude always wants to fuck but the girl is like, “Not tonight my retainer is in” or “Im bloated” or “bloody coochie babe, go back to sleep”. When its two dudes however, both always wanna screw around, non stop, thus spreading all that nasty shit. Its like two rapid bunnies fucking, except one might have aids. NOT in this temple. Its honestly sad I have to worry about dying just because boyyyyys wanna have TOO much fun. Is the D really worth the Hep C, I think not.

This is why I realized I will die alone, in a pool of all my money. I get too annoyed with people to easily. How the hell could anyone stand seeing the same person, over and over again, everyday for the rest of your life.  Talk about bashing your head against the wall. I’m more of the “knock you off my list” or the  “straight” dudes who do everything but kiss (eyeball) type of guy. I have a list of those who have bullied me in the past. Out of 9, Ive already conqured 3, So yeah I have some work to do. This is why my memoir will be AMAZING. First they bullied me, then they blew me.

Also, I refuse to let some random, leave my ass down the line and take half of everything. Ummmm bitch please! I’m team prenup for this exact reason, you leave with what you came in with. Jesus died alone and look how it turned out for him, people worship him! That will be papi, I want Latino grandmas to have pictures of me on their wall, next to the creepy Jesus ones.

Xoxo if he watches Real Housewives, do NOT give him my number

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