Am I ugly? Why did no one kidnap me when I was younger?

Ever since I learned about the Elizabeth Smart kidnapping story I was lowkey obsessed with getting kidnapped. The fame and attention she got from it was so exhilarating. Yeah she will never truly get over the trauma & PTSD from what happened, but the lifetime movie & book deal deff could help with the pain. Young Matthew, before all the sass would roam the streets alone, dressed all cute & innocent, looking prince creep to pick me off my feet.

He would think he was in control of the situation, but he’s ass would be very wrong. In order to make your kidnapping media worthy you need to make thing as dramatic as possible. See if you go missing one day you don’t even get an amber alert, no one cares. Day two you get the amber alert & possibly a viral Facebook post if you’re cute enough to be shared. Day three the local media picks up on it and it starts to spread, by day five the national media is milking your story dry. Imagine all the cute pics they would show of me!

This is when your story can either become a cold case, that is forgotten about, or a media sensation. This whole time I would be leading this kidnapper on saying thank God you got me my parents are such a drag!! Let’s be best friends<3 but really I’m plotting my next moves. Figuring out his routine, watching his movements and habits. Right away I’ll say my ass got aids so he won’t try to fuck me. Don’t EVEN try it mister!

Day 5 I’ll say let’s fuck with my family, give me the phone, we’ll call off *67 and say “I wear his skin now everyday” then hang up so they can’t trace it. My mom would lose it.

Day 6, maybe 7 depends on how dramatic I’m feeling I’ll have him mail my parents a Whitney Houston CD with my blood on it, to let them know this dude ain’t playing. Then on day 10 I’ll take the wire out of my braces, wait for him to come in the room & stab the shit out of his neck. Stab stab till the mofo dead. I don’t need his ass in jail bitching about how I was cool with it, imma control the narrative. It’s MY book deal.

After all that I’ll get all dirty and fucked up looking and dramatically make my way to nearest Starbucks and collapse to the ground, saying can you get a chai tea, a blunt & 911 please. Thus making the most dramatic entrance ever.

The lifetime movie & book deal alone would last me for life, never again would I have to work. “Crumbled little cracker: the Matthew O’Leary story”. It sad to think what the world missed out on! So selfish!

But on a real note, seriously with all the sneaking out I did growing up how the hell didn’t I get kidnapped? I was a bad little shit who thought the night life was my oasis. I would wait till my parents dosed off and sneak out the back door.

Legit sneaking out was the easy part. Coming back high, paranoid as shit was the hard and scary. One time I was convinced my own breathing was my dad in the other room watching me. I stood still like a rock for at least an hour.

Another time my cousin slept over but my girl was having a party so obvs my ass was going. My parents just went to sleep, so away I went. My cousin was like are you mentally ill? You deadass are cruising for a bruising. But I was in my no fucks city mood so I left.

I’m riding my bike to my girlies and I get there, as soon as I go to crack open a Smirnoff my cousin texts me saying your parents asked where you are. I go girl say I’m sleeping da fuq. She did and I went back to shaking my ass.

10 minutes later my parents call screaming “WHERE ARE YOU”. As a natural born liar, my skills whipped into action. I go, ” my friends were on a walk and one of them fell and got hurt, I brought them band aids, it’s real bad mum, REAL BAD”. All I heard was breathing for at least a minute then, “I don’t care WHAT happened get your ass home”.

I legit raced home like I was running from the cops. I ditch my bike next door and walked in. My parent screamed like I stole something I’m like can y’all chill. When I would sneak out I would have to cross this scary ass bridge. Legit it’s something out of a horror film. Wild life everywhere, twists and turns perfect for a serial killer to stalk. I honestly had a heart attack every time I crossed it. One time I thought, if I was kidnapped they would have no clue where to look for clue because I sneaked out, am I dumb?

The most embarrassing time is when I came back from a party legit white gurl wasted. My rude & dead to me friends dropped me off in my back yard and didn’t watch me go in. So instead of sleeping in my bed, my drunk ass woke up at 4 am in my back yard sleeping on the grass.

Some asshole locked the back door and only my parents were home so I couldn’t get in. I panicked, debating on telling my parents, “oh I came home because my friends wanted to smoke the devil grass and I said no like a good catholic boy”. Instead, I saw my brothers window was opened.

Like some burglar, I stacked lawn chairs and climb my roof to his window. All Mission Impossible like, I made my way thru the window. The house was so quite a fart would of woke them up.

I finally made it in and went to the basement to sleep. My parents were going to Pittsburgh the next day at 7 am so I would be fine after that. But God was cruel and my dad went downstairs to check the dehumidifier. That’s when he discovered me, hungover as shit. Let me tell you the screaming alone made me wanna blow my brains out.

The best part is he still can’t figure out how I got in because he swears he locked every door, hee hee hee. He probably thought, “oh shit am I getting Alzheimer’s”?

Xoxo do kidnap victims add kidnapped to their LinkedIn page?