For some reason, when ever my girlies and I do something special for our birthdays, it ends with a what the fuck happened last night. May it be the wine tour from hell, when I got us banned from a winery because my drunk ass jumped in a bull cage with a legit live bull in it.
Or the time we went to Salem and all got into a huge fight that ended with someone getting hit by a car. And sadly it wasn’t me, y’all know I want that insurance money. Or the latest, this past Saturday night when our night of fun & romance at the casino ended in misery.
When I drink I can either have a fun, chill night, or a black out night where one of my 3 personalities come out. First we have Becky, she is sassy, fun and gives no fucks! She just wants to dance the night away, everyone loves Becky. Then we have Maliki, he creepy, wants hell on earth and causes MAD drama.
Lastly, we have the worst of the crew, fucking Stacy. Stacy is a gross mess. Slurring her words, talking mad shit, causes scenes and making everything about her. Nobody likes Stacy, and she truly needs to go home to be with her daughter. Sadly, Stacy came out Saturday and it was NOT good.
For my girlies birthday we got a room at the casino so we can get lit, while being responsible. Who wants to go to lava and get face down ass up, then worry wait how we getting home cause I can barely afford a rum n coke, how could I afford a DUI.
We all arrive there around 630 and start the drinks and shots immediately. I had a Final Destination moment and was like wait guys it’s hella early, maybe we should nap for an hour then go, group naps are lit! They all look at each other, then laugh and call me a baby back bitch and basically force feed me a shot.
Because we all love to eat good, we needed two rooms. One for sleeping, one for the shits. Getting ready to the smell of Fastrac pizza shits is such a mood kill. Why should we have to suffer because of your stupidity, gas station pizza, have some class and respect.
I brought my classic box of wine. I love me a good box of wine! It’s cheap and gets you face down ass up hella quick. But it’s a face down ass up my body can control. You can’t bring outside liquor in so I had to sneak that box of wine in like some Unabomber. If I was middle eastern they deff would of called SWAT.
What ruined my night and my stomach the next day was the shots of Tito’s. Seriously that shit will kill you. I had no business getting that drunk. I have zero daddy issues or a baby at home to forget about. So why couldn’t I just chill and have 3 drinks max. Did I really need to do body shots of Tito’s off my girls back, no, but was it fun, yes.
Our first sign the night will be drama filled was hotel security coming by an hour in to pre-gaming. Naturally all my jokes were making them laugh. A new recruit to the rent a cop force even laughed and his boss said you can’t giggle in the real world. He must be fun at parties.
Next we make our way to lava, due to sexism, girls are free and guys are $15. How fucked! I asked security, “what if I identify as having tittes”, they go then it’s $30. I laughed but then realized, give it a year someone will sue over that shit. Some dude who’s now a chick will have to pay and throw a bitch fit.
As we go in, I immediately make the dance floor my bitch. I’m tearing it up, then I realize, it’s legit just me and all these ugly bachelorette party girls. I wanted to gag, not a fun site. I go to meet my girlies when I realized it was just me and my girl Lu. She got us a drink because she believes in respecting your elders. It was either the drink or the roofie she sneaked in that set me over the edge. After that I barely remember anything.
I seriously can’t recall what happened between 10-12 at night. I remember leaving Lava, then it’s a blur till I met these group of guys. Here’s when the night gets cringe worthy. I vaguely remember talking to them about burning together and one of them gave me their number, obvs cuz I’m a dime piece.
Then when I finally met up with my crew I realized someone must of taking my lighter. I went nuts, legit blowing this guy phone up calling him a lighter thief, saying meet me in the streets, I’m in a gang bitch come fuck with me. I wanted to die the next day when I read these.
I became that trashy bitch who blows random people’s phones up drunk. I even saw those guys later that night and had my girl and her mans confront them about Lighter-gate. They go seriously what are you talking about. The cherry on the top was when I woke up, I found the lighter in my chest pocket, I am honestly a dumb ass. Sorry boyssss! My bad!
After that I ran away from my girlies, again and made friends with these basic bitches. I can’t even remember their names but the next day I had a text from one of them saying so nice to meet you! Girl I wish I could say the same, I don’t even remember you!
As I woke up the next day truly wanting to die, I tried to piece the night back together. I had to relive my embarrassing text to that guy accusing him of stealing a $1.29 lighter. Then I had to relive all my cringe worthy Instagram stories. I deleted over 20 of them they were that bad. Legit there is nothing worse then seeing what you posted the night before, I wanna cry every time, being that trashed isn’t cute. Can I learn to chill?
To make things even worse, when I am trying to cry myself back to sleep my girl hits me up. She goes Junebug’s snap of you is so funny, I go um what snap? She goes the one of you on stage, I go to check it and legit it’s me on stage dancing like a fool and I took the singers mic. Legit I’m surprised no one punched me. My girl then said a girl told me to get off stage and I said, “honey ugly people don’t tell me what to do” I’m sorry but what. Who do I think I am?
Then I was like well let me check my Snapchat, even more embarrassing posts. I deleted them all. Legit what could of been an AMAZING night with my girlies ended in pain because Stacy came out to play. Yes it was a blessing cause I only spent $15 dollars but realistically I embarrassed myself to all of Turning Stone Casino and resort, so in the end I lost my self respect.
Xoxo this is why I’m a stoner, the day after you laugh, not cry
Sir Dutches 
Leave a Reply