Whenever I let Jesus take the wheel, I get a speeding ticket or crash my car


As I am sitting at Midas for an state inspection(a day late, no one better snitch) I reflected on all my drama with cars. I’ll start back from the beginning, back when my only worries was hiding weed from my parents.  My parents were always jealous of all the fun I had so they cockblocked everything I did. I didn’t get my permit till 5 months after I turned 16 because “I wasn’t ready” it’s a fucking multiple choice test, chill my dudes.

When I finally did get it they REFUSED, to let me get my actual license. What’s even worse is my mom didn’t trust me to drive with her so it’s like when do I get to practice? By playing video games? When my dad did let me drive with him it consisted of him screaming at me, calling me a dumbass and saying my mom must of cheated. So I like to dance and drive, sue me.

They had in it their head I would be reckless because my baby girl and I got into a car accident before. It was legit karma. We were driving, going to a grad party and legit talking mad shit about people. I didn’t have my seatbelt on but something said, “girl put it on”. Not even lying I put it down and said, “Yeah she a skank” I looked over and BAM, a fucking car hit us. My dumbass girlie ran a stop sign. The gossip was THAT good! I hit my head so hard and I told her that and she goes STFU I am not paying for an ambulance you’re fine…. I was like um okay. Hopefully I don’t bleed out internally and die… so for at least a year my parents brought that up every time I asked for my license, like wtf I wasn’t even driving I was just gossiping!

Finally Mama Dutches and I said screw this and took my driving life into our own hands. We booked an appointment and said fuck it, we’ll use her car. As we were on our way it started to hit me, I can drive but didn’t learn how to parallel park. Girl legit had to pull over at a Walmart and teach me. I legit learned that morning, thank God I’m a quick learner!

We took the test in scummy Fulton, which is the armpit of Central New York. The line to take it was around the community meth bench. At first it was a cute old lady but when she asked where is the paper I needed that my parents signed I panicked, I go oh I’ll be right back I live down the road. We ran to the DMV and forged that shit so quick. Watch them be reading this and I get charged with fraud, I’m too cute for jail!

When I get back, cute grandma left and instead I get the mean old Asian dude. Normally when I meet new people I scan them to find something in common we can chat and mentally connect about. This time I couldn’t do that.  New York is trashy so you use your own vehicle for the test. I used Mama Dutches big ass Ford Explorer. First thing he says when he gets in is, “You soccer mum”. I died laughing, I shouldn’t of judged this man, so petty of me! We laughed the whole time and I got ZERO deductions.

When I came home to tell my parents they were livid saying I must of paid him because there’s no way I got zero deductions, I threw the paper at them and said read it and weep bitches, who’s the jealous one now hoe? They go, “who’s car you using because it’s not ours”. I’m like damn y’all some cold ass bitches.

They finally let me use their car and for the first few months it went AMAZING. I was driving around like a PTO mom, getting my girlies, going to the mall and obvs hot boxing it. Until my fucking birthday. It was October 11th and I was feeling AMAZING. I was home alone so I picked up Kitty Kat and we were gonna chill, drink, burn and laugh the day away.

Now because I was carefree, I wasn’t paying attention to the speed limit. I was coming down longbranch road, that is a 20 MPH because it’s a school zone. I thought it was like a day off or something because no one was there. So I was going 35, that’s when I get fucking pulled over. I started to flirt and be all cute by saying “it’s my birthday officer, blue lives matter <3”. He goes, “well happy birthday here’s your gift”, it was a fucking ticket. I was pissed. Asshole, I hexed his ass so quick. Thank God Syracuse University has free legal aid, so all I had to pay was the court fees to get it dropped! Love me some white privilege.

My next ticket was by the “Ticket king of Liverpool” as Syracuse.com called him. I still hate this prick of a cop, he dead to me. Because he is a Village of Liverpool cop, he deadass has nothing to do all day. They don’t stop the real criminal, instead they worry about getting their quotas up. I was driving for my job and coming down the parkway in the village. It goes from 30 to 55, I was legit right in front of the 55 sign and I start to accelerate. Thats when this prick pulls me over. I go, “Umm can I help you? I was going 40 in a 55 like da fuq”. He goes, “No you were going 40 in a 30”. I laughed because I thought it was a joke, it wasn’t. Legit fuck his pussy ass. Go worry about your KIDS, cause BOY do I know some gossip on them. Thats why everyone hates cops, they either wanna shoot you for no reason or give you a ticket because they are getting no pussy at home, not my problem. I told the owners about it thinking they would pay it, they go, “Oh that sucks better get a lawyer, bye Hun”. So rude!

The most fucked up ticket was when I was living down south. Because I had a period red car with New York plates, bitches always be pulling me over. As I was coming down the beach the speed limit is 30, I was going 32. This cop pulled me over and goes what were you going? I said, 30, Im a catholic. He goes, “Well it looks like you were going fast so heres a speeding ticket”. I go, “what was my speed”. He goes, “IDK I didn’t have my radar gun on but it looked REAL fast”.

So yeah I got a ticket for “looking like I was going fast”. This was just a scam to make me pay court fees and get a damn lawyer. With in a month I got a speeding ticket visiting a friend in West Virginia, this one and another one but that was for that good good, that one cost me $1000 to get dropped. Ridiculous. My lawyer down there LOVED me because I was paying off his daughters college loans. My parents found out about this because its public record down south so mad lawyers send you advertisements! Its so messed up! Thanks for snitching ass holes.

All of those don’t equal the karma and misery I got for going to Trump inauguration. Because I have connections everywhere but Hollywood I guess, my girlie got my friend and I tickets to see Trumps inaugurations. We got bomb ass seats and mad memories were made. So all in all it was a good weekend, till the ride back. I left at like 3 in the afternoon so I assumed I would be fine. Well no, I got made tired so I pulled over to sleep. My mother called me around 1 am to see if I was okay and I was like yeah I am imma go drive now. Not even an hour in, I was almost home and I dozed off. I woke up my my car crashing into a concrete barrier.  Shit was SO scary! I pulled over to see if there was any damage, I was thinking maybe a scratch because it was driving fine.


Nope, legit the whole driver side is fucked up. I drove home, hella nervous to tell my parents because they already had me on their shit list. When I woke up them, all hell broke loose. Mad screams, mad disappointment and mad money down the drain. The damage was over $3,000, thank God for insurance. But they were over my ass so they kicked me off their insurance and I had to get my own, SO RUDE! But God is always on my side and when my mother went to drop me, she dropped my little brother instead, and got a letter in the mail with a fee, karma girl!

Xoxo this is why I need a Tesla, so it will drive me and focus on the road while I focus on looking cute.


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