The time Mama Dutch & I had NO business being jail bait

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Mama dutch and I went thru a no fucks stage, basically being bad little bitches. We were roaming the streets of Syracuse University finding parties, pretending we were Freshmen at Le Moyne, truthfully we were seniors in high school. We had NO business being at these parties but for some reason we thought we were bad bitches. Legit half of these parties were people my age anyways, I guess college kids were thirsty for that younger crowd, aka pedo’s in training.

It was at one of these parties where my home girl met her jail hubby. At first we thought he was just another light skinned homie, hitting up my girl. But really he just got out of jail about 3 months ago for a charge that he says “Is mad rumors and lies”. We gave him the benefit of the doubt and were like okay whatever we ain’t judging a brother by his rap sheet. At the end of the party he secured us a ride back home, so romantic right! I was like, “Damn Mama Dutch whats next? He got us Dennys too”. Nah even better he surprised us the next day with a wake & bake and donuts. I was like damn girl you BEST secure his ass, being type Hallmark over here.

We legit were a squad for about 2 weeks. Always chilling, always burning. Yeah I was the third wheel but for a smoke out I’ll read my book in the backseat and mind my own. After the second week of our jail bait love story, we went to pick him up from check in with his probation officer but he was MIA. I was like either he back with his old hoe or he arrested. I have a feeling its the first one. Now he technically DID have a girlie who held it down for him while he was locked but, but we mind our own, if he ain’t concerned about her, we ain’t either. So Mama Dutch and I left and we about our business, aka getting Ice Cream.

It was legit the next day we get a call that no wifey wants to get, “Do you accept these collect call charges for an inmate at Jamesville correctional center”? We were like Damn, shit getting real. Home girl was legit shaking, we had to pull over to figure out WTF who in jail. Is it her mans? Is it her daddy? Is it her loser ass EX that they SHOULD keep his ass in there. Instead it was smoke out boy. She goes, “Ummm hello”. He goes, “Babby they locked me up saying I failed my drug test and I had a cell phone when I shouldn’t”. She goes, “First Who’s Babby? I just met your ass. Two I asked you if you can smoke you said yeah its all good my probation officer and I are boys, LIES. Lastly, I told your ass to leave your phone in my car but you were all sketchy say I was gonna go threw it, so this karma”. He was shocked at how cold she was. Boy obvs didn’t know the real mama dutch.

He begged us to come visit him in jail, at first we laughed about it but then were like wait that could be low-key fun. We decided the next day we would skip school and venture up to visit him. Later that night it was foreshadowed that we shouldn’t go, his main girlie called Mama bitching her out. She found out her mans been using the money SHE put on his account to call Mama Dutch. Sorry she a really great person to talk to? Learn to keep a conversation going and maybe he would call you too girl! Don’t be mad at us because you got a wack ass personality.

The drive to Jamesville correctional is about 25 minutes, 30 if you stop to take cute pics in front of the all signs saying, “Prison 5 miles north”. We were so excited to see chain gangs, figure out what gangs were the most popping there and maybe sign up for one! However, when we got there the excitement died down. Walking in is more depressing than watching Beaches. Mad little kids crying for daddy, moms looking hella tired and grandma just wanting to go the fuck home to watch her stories. I legit felt bad for these children and wifeys, most of these dudes are in here for drug related offenses. I’m sorry but if I had a family I would be selling that loud too! Working for minimum wage is degrading.

You can only visit people during certain hours so the room was hella packed. We kept letting mad families cut us because they need this visit WAYYY more than we do. We just here for giggles as messed up as that sounds. Finally after an hour it was our turn, we go up and give our ID’s. They go, “Okay Ma’ma you can go but your friend can’t he is underage, he needs a note from a parents”. Really bitch? So I had to sit in the car for legit 2 hours while Mama had all the fun, I was livid! She said it wasn’t as scary as you would think, but she had her hitting hand ready just incase anyone tried to act up.

The next week I was like okay I am NOT missing this! I had my friends mom write a fake letter because there was no way my parents would let me visit some dude in jail, my mom would legit beat my ass. As we arrive I had ao many butterflies, like what if the other prisoners don’t like me! What if I had to join the crappy Ayran brotherhood instead of all the other cooler gangs. After you check in you basically have to have a strip search, I go “No switchblade hidden in my booty officer”! He didn’t laugh, instead he legit patted my body down mad hard, I’m like AT LEAST buy me dinner first.

Because I’m skinny Minnie, I legit can only wear pants with belts, but you can’t bring a belt in. So legit my pants are sagging and I was getting dirty looks! Prisoners prob thought I was applying to become a prison bitch or something. When we finally sat down to meet him we all just do a group laugh and he was like, “Why are you too here you legit stand out like a sore thumb”. Its not like the movies where you are behind a glass, instead its a open room with long tables and you sit on each side. We were listening in on ALL the drama.

Mad dirty talking between couples its so gross. Conjugal visits aren’t allowed so I’m sure everyone is all horned up. Our boy was saying that its chill there, they watch TV, play basketball, grope each other and work out, so basically a catholic summer camp. I asked if I would survive there and he laugh and said yeah everyone would love you, then he smirked. I was like woahhhhhhh does that mean everyone will love my amazing personality and cheek bones and BEG me to join their crew. Or does it mean ill be passed around like a blown up barbie. I would honestly kill myself before I went to prison, I aint being NO ONES bitch and my skin NEEDS sunlight.

After we chatted for an hour and cracked jokes we left, he asked if we could put money in his account, we laughed and said boy bye. Don’t do the crime if you can’t afford prison Cheetos. As we left we felt the whole prison scene was played out. We had our fun but this is NOT the life for us. Mama Dutch was like maybe we’ll go one last time then be done? Im like girl this isn’t a drug, its jail. However God forced her to realized this is NOT the life for us because her car ran out of gas legit down the road. I like to think the Crips were just playing a prank on us!

The moral of this story is, if a mans in jail and he has a wifey holding it down DON’T get involved. He gonna expect YOU to pick up her slack. He gonna went YOU to put money in his account. He gonna want YOU to keep posting facebook statuses so his boys know he still out here. & he gonna want YOU to have phone sex all the time, gag me. His wifey holding him down STILL stayed with him after Mama Dutch and I disrupted their little prison romance. Girl you CAN do better, you don’t deserve that. You a moth that NEEDS to turn into a butterfly already.

Xoxo we still can’t decide if he innocent

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