I had a feeling my day would be ass yesterday when I left my book at home. I legit had only 5 chapters left, I should of just called in. I had such an amazing outline for an article yesterday but God must of thought it was too mean or SOMETHING because some bitch did some black magic to my tire! I was at work, minding my own, craving some Popeyes, I love me a good buttermilk biscuit.
I leave work and start jamming to my “Ass Phat” playlist not even 5 minutes in legit my ass flew from my seat, and I hear a hiss. I honestly thought I ran over a cat. Cats and I do NOT get along. The hissing was so loud & nasty, it had to of been a pussy. I pull over on the side of the road like a dumb ass and people start honking like it was their job. IM TRYING TO SEE IF I RAN OVER GARFIELD, chill yo.
I get out and legit I see a slit about an inch in my tire, same size as a knife. Did the gang throw a knife at my car? If so they need to join the circus ASAP that is impressive. Or did someone slash my tire at work because I didn’t include them on my hot or not list? Sorry you’re a 5, Carol, blame your mom NOT me. Or plot twist, it was Mama Dutches because I ate the last of the KFC last night. Most likely I ran over a curb but that’s sooo boring so nah, it deff gang related.
Another theory is that Dan Schneider that creep fired from Nickelodeon is out to get me. I’ve noticed a Black Chevy Impala following me lately. Every time I slam on my breaks to hiss at him, he speeds away. I’m convinced he hired someone to “take me out” because of my article about how creepy he is! Or maybe I’m just being vain.
Thank God I didn’t cancel AAA because my dumb ass can NOT put on a spare. I’ve only used AAA when my trashy friends cars run out of gas, talk about parasites. I used the App to call a tow and legit they need an award for how easy it is. All you do is drop a pin and they locate the closest one, then you can track( more like stalk) where they are and how far away they are! So quiche, right!
It took him about 20 minutes to get there and because I had to get back to work I had the spare tire waiting for him like a good boy. That took 5 minute and the whole time he was judging. He didn’t believe my story about the gang and said to take responsibly for my action. I said I will when I get to fill out your service survey.
After work today I have to take my car to the shop to pray it will be covered under warranty. Imma wear my Sunday best and flirt with ALL the mechanics. Hee hee hee soo what does this tool do? Pick up my tire, show my how strong you are (while batting my eyelashes). If that doesn’t work I’ll throw a bitch fit and say do you know who my dad is? The names Matthew Goodyear, my dad made that fucking tire bitch.
Xoxo thank God I didn’t clock out for my lunch break
Sir Dutches 
Leave a Reply