Daddy and his baby girl drain the DC swamp, of its Vodka Sodas

I’m always trying to educate my baby girls, knowledge is power and the only thing that will keep them out of marrying someone poor. One night I was chilling with my princess and I said I wanted to visit my lawyer babe in DC before her internship ends. When my girl said she has NEVER been to DC, I said girl request time off, we going next week.

At the last minute my girl ATTEMPTED to back out but I told her if she does, Ill let her EX know where she lives now, don’t play with me sis. Friday we left about 7am, well 8 okay lets be for real 9am but thats only because the Starbucks line was longer than the boarder.

This drive to DC was basically Need For Speed: Daddy Pursuit, my girl deff has PTSD from it. First off, people CAN’T DRIVE! Making my ass move around like its a dance party. The final straw was when a Fed-Ex truck almost cut us off, I was looking for\ward to the lawsuit money but my friend was like WTF switch lanes. Death isn’t an option today. Girl I got bills to pay, don’t EVER come in between money and me. We finally arrived at 3pm and honestly needed to sleep. We were BEAT! Talk about needed a dutch and a coffee.

After the best 2 hour nap of my life, we finally decided we need to wake up and actually live our life. We should of just stay in bed. The first bar we went too there was NO cover, so we were hyped. Until we ordered 2 vodka sodas and 2 Green Tea Shots, and it was fucking $50 dollars.

Im sorry but WHAT! I could get a handjob, a Pizza Hut pizza and a eighth and still have 10 dollars left over. Everyone else around us made think this was normal pricing. Do y’all have a sugar daddy? Give me his digits.

What really pissed me off is every person I asked, “Where are the bumping bars” all gave me the same answer, “Omg theres this really fun bar 2 streets away, #9 is my favorite gay bar”. Im sorry but bitch you rude. Not once did I say, “Hey where can I go to get sexually harassed”. Mad ignorant! Finally after I said I wanted some ghetto baby girl vibes, some girl recommended this one bar down the road.

Legit we had no business being there. It felt like a basement party with the sticky floors, creepy dudes looking at you from head to toes and the smelly ass hookas. After we get a drink, 2 vodka sodas for $30 dollars, I looked around the room and noticed something. Legit everyone was giving us dirty looks.

I assumed it was because everyone was black but us, but instead it was because it was couple night. The bartender goes yeah everyone thinks y’all a couple because its couple night, thats why you got in for free. Im sorry but what? She WISHES she could be with someone with a dime piece like me.Y’all truly naive.

The smell was making me wanna gag but the dirty looks were just making me feel stank. We bounced and went to our last club that was legit 5 stories. If I owned the bar I would have all the uglies on the bottom and each floor up, the people get hotter and hotter. This place was the opposite. My girlie and I couldn’t even dance without fuglies bumping into us. Research space with your rudeass. Due to us being broke, I decided to take one for the team and allow this creepy old dude to breath the same air as me. He was legit the definition of sweat.

I honestly prob looked like a rape victim with the way I was cringing everytime he touched me. I felt like Kevin Spacey was behind me when he rubbed my neck. I finally decided okay we are done here. WE have to leave. No free drink is worth the years of trauma this night will cause me.

As we leave we start to walk, and walk and fucking walk. After no joke, 2 hours of walking, my friend goes, fucking call an Uber. When I tell you my feet were on fire I wasn’t playing. We ran into so many people but no one could fucking help us. We were so desperate we almost asked the homeless where the hell to go.

Okay sidenote, the homeless in DC was unreal. They are EVERYWHERE. In the parks, on the streets and in Starbucks chilling. I am confused on how the problem got this bad. Where are the shelters? Is this why the place smells so bad. Drain the swamp? Nah more like clean the swamp.

After we got back, I knew I was drunk but I didn’t realize how bad till the morning. I had a full day planned, starting with the tour tour of the capital at 11 then hit all the depressing museums. Well when I went to woke up I realized I was legit dead. I could barely move, let alone drink. Cold sweats took over my body. I wanted to curl up in a ball and die.

My whole body was sore and my feet were beyond shot. How do people run marathons? My girlie thought maybe Starbucks would help, LIES. After a sip, I threw up everywhere. Not just once, but at least 10 times. My body was so frail I was just waiting to fall over and die. I felt so bad for my girlie, she was all dressed to go and I had to tell her, daddy needs to nap before he dies. I napped and woke up at 3pm all ready for play. I was honestly a new person.

I woke up my baby girl and said lets go bitch. Lets take the capital by storm. We decided to walk to the National Mall and show my girl some history. The whole point of this trip. I love to walk but with my girlie wearing sandals she wanted to chop her feet off. She looked like she was walking thru a Middle East desert. We finally arrived at the Hirshhorn, honesty a museum that feels like your on acid.

Its all art pieces that are so trippy. I felt like I was tripping balls. However seeing we got there at 5:20 and the place closed at 5:30 we didn’t see much. I was honestly in cloud 9, from either the weed or all the walking. I wasn’t paying attention and I legit went into the round about door thing too early. I was so cramped against the glass I felt my junk hitting the dude in front of me ass. People prob were prob like, who is this homo. When it finally was open I sprinted out, then saw the guy turn around and look for who the hell was behind him. Was it the spirit of a catholic priest? Nah just me.

We decided we’re done. We needed to get some food then legit sit for 5 hours. When I got back I checked my Apple Watch and realized we legit have walked 15 fucking miles today and over 30,000 steps. WHO ARE WE? We aren’t built for this type of activities, we stoners like da fuq. 

We decided from there we are officially allergic to walking, we Uber everywhere now. We refused to even walk to the bar a street away, we were legit traumatized by walking, thats how bad it was. We went to this bar The Madhatter, who had NO cover and drinks were only $7 dollars, I wanted to cry. I knew we found our home ❤ Until a weird girl came up to my baby girl and asked if she was into kissing girls. Um what lmao? After my girl said no she goes, ” Well would you wanna make out with my boyfriend”. WHAT? WHO ARE YOU? WHOS YOUR DEALER? FIRE HIM! Girl get away.

Between that and how hot and crowded the bar was we decided our night was over. Do you know how scary it is to see fugly people sweat off their caked on make up? It’s like a scene from a horror film. We ordered pizza and decided we are official done with DC and this night, lets watch Rom Coms. Legit it was so magical, we watched “To all the guys I used to love” and legit we LOVED IT. So cute, such an AMAZING way to end the trip.

The next day we woke up at 10 and hit the road like Thelma and Louise. I felt so guilty about my hangover ruining the trip so I made us stop at Gettysburg, my girl was digging it till we learned that you have to either pay $27 for a bus tour, or you can walk or drive it yourself. We said BURR. We are team NO walking. We took a few cute pics and got the hell our of there. We’re done with history for a hot min. After we finally got back to Syracuse my girlie kissed the floor and got the hell out. She legit had a tear of relief. I don’t know HOW truckers do this for a living, driving is ass.

Xoxo sorry I wanted to speed home and cuddle with Mama Dutches