I am so shook & truly confused on who the hell my homegirl thought she was last night. She asked me, no she begged me to get a drink with her. She found out her tinder mans has a kid so she was thirsty to drink it off I guess? Karma really is a bitch. I told her okay I’ll get one after work even thou my ass was hella beat. Papi works two jobs now to support my little guy on the way. But I’m such an amazing, nice, generous truly an all around great friend so I said yes, like the Roman Catholic I am. I told her I would call her after work to decide what time to meet up and make our matching Monistat Tube costumes.
I go about my business and get back to being hella productive. As I leave work I jam to a quick A Star is Born song to remind me to never fall in love and then I called my so call friend. She picked up the phone, but doesn’t say hi or hello daddy how was work. Instead she giggles and continues her irrelevant ass convo with her friend as if I was disturbing her. Honey any call from me you should treat as a privilege. Then she goes, so rudely, so cold, “oh matt…… what’s up”. What’s up? Really bitch. Who raised you? Satan? Answering the phone like some rude ass McDonalds worker.
I go nothing just left work what’s the plan. She goes, “oh….. yeah….. me and Brit are going there soonish and I’ll let you know when we get there”. When we get there? WHEN WE GET THERE? Are you fucking kidding me. How nasty can she be. You really expect me to show up ALONE to a bar like some goddamn bimbo? Do you want me to get raped. I’m adorable I should never be left alone…..in Downtown Syracuse. I understand you’re type basic but I’m cute with mad fur coats in my car. Mad people finnin to rob my ass.
What type of FRIEND would make me suffer that awkward ass feeling of when I walk in alone. Looking like a corn, desperately trying to find my friends. With my luck only to find out they left already. I try not to even go to the mall alone, you really expect me to go to a bar alone, AS IF. I am a white male, if I go anywhere alone people immediately think I’m a shooter. Any white dude alone is MAD SUSPECT! Her asking me to go alone is only fueling that stereotype.
I just can not believe after all I have done for her and her family she would treat me like some floosy. I am a Roman Catholic damn it, it’s about time I get some respect around here. Without even hesitation I said “oh shit I see my moms ex boyfriend” and ended that call like a true bad bitch. Honey bye you out of my will & YES the netflix password is change. Later that night at midnight I gathered my spell kit and sat under the blood mood. Rub the blood of a dead goat on my chest and I cast a wicked spell to slowly turn every freckle into her pussy crabs. I told her not to fuck with a witch.
Xoxo dark lord dark lord hear my spell, dirty cooch dirty cooch all around!!!!
Sir Dutches 
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