My 2019 goal is to basically whore myself all year to make it to the top, aka that guy who got 15 seconds of fame some how, so now he milks it on every “celebrity” reality TV show. I wanna be that guy who everyone collectively rolls their eyes when they announce me on Celebrity Big Brother or the Amazing Race.
NOT the MTV type were I’m on the Challenge, get paid nothing and am basically a slave to that bunk ass network(where is Scream season 3 hoes). But instead the type where I’ll randomly appear in Hallmark Christmas movies. That is the LIFE! They make a couple thousands to act in cheesy movies mums live for and the critics ignore. Candace Cameron Bure gotta have a fat sack in the bank, she’s been in like 50 Hallmark movies already and 2019 just started.
I’m so over this simple basic ass life. Office life during the week, hearing my girlies complain on the weekend. Its miserable and causing crows feet. I need some excitement in my life. Its like can someone rich hit me with their car already? Stop being RUDE! I deserve the life of luxury, I’ve done my time! I’ve had my years of lower middle class struggles. I’m financially Gucci right now but I want more DAMMIT! I wanna be able to randomly travel to other countries just to judge. I wanna be able to pay off my girlies dead beat boyfriends to LEAVE US ALONE. I wanna be able to buy fur coats just to piss of peta. Basically I just want fuck you money.
But if that doesn’t happen my backup plan is to sacrifice one of my girlies to Lucifer our lord and savor and hopefully that will do the trick. BUT if that doesn’t work my back up, back up plan is to join the military. Okay I know what you are thinking, Papi you will die wtf. But nah really its a win win. I would look like a snack in the uniform and Trump pulled out of Syria quicker than my girls mans so like if you think about it, its like a free trip around the world! Daddy deserves some UV rays. I could even make a reality show out of it, “Daddy in Basic Training”, “Daddy gets deployed”, “Daddy gets kidnapped by ISIS and forced to do a ransom video”. So many possibilities!
And like even if we do go to war, everyone will obviously agree I’m too cute for the front lines so instead I’ll be be back at HQ with the top brass for their comedic relief. I’ll crack jokes when needed and when my boys are hell stressed, I’ll be there to help them blow off some steam, no homo of course. Cause you know what they say, its not gay if its in the desert.
Or I was even thinking I could be like that little drummer boy who drums during battle. OMG I could even like make cute outfits to like distract the enemies. Okay does anyone have Mad Dog Mattis number? I need to get working on this! Where’s my Beadazzler? Wait didn’t Trump can his ass? Ugh DC drama is too much to keep up with.
Xoxo so either tell everyone but your Priest about me or I’ll be the one protecting america… scary