Can I just worship Jesus Christ, my Lord and sassy savor in peace? No, because my girlies have to blow my phone up begging me to pick them up from the Super 8 motel. I like to wake up, immediately throw up to cleanse myself from the night before then hit up my local church where my amazing singing voice and puffy fur wraps get all the dirty looks(eat ass PETA). Yesterday however this didn’t happen. Instead I was awoken to a dramatic mess who could of gotten kidnapped during her trashy wannabe Hallmark Rom Com night.
My girlies and I had a classy “Daddy Daughter” night on Saturday. This consists of me getting their mans locked up via a parole violation so we can bond without their parasite asses around . I don’t entertain garbage. We were owning the dance stage till I look over and notice my girlie talking to some army brat. She wants to be a military wifey so bad. His name was Rick, his eye might of been lazy, wearing dirty ass army boots and mad sketchy (possibly) Aryan brotherhood tattoos all over his arm. He smelt like war and that lazy eye saw unspeakable things.
But my girlie didn’t care. She was head over heads in love with a possible serial killer. A. Who the fuck was he downtown with? No seriously, who? He was with zero people all night. I’m convinced he’s like Joe from Lifetime’s “You”, just lurking from bar to bar trying to find the first desperate girl to say hi to him. B. why is he wearing army boots downtown? That’s like a doctor wearing scrubs downtown. Tacky. Was his uniform under his Hawaiian shirt?
I was trying to get a read on this dude, from a distance obvs, I don’t need him trying to choke me out. I stand on this chair to get a good look, when this new rude ass bouncer ripped my down and kicked me out. I swindled my way back in using my charms, that’s when I realized, home girl and Iraq boy are MIA! Are they running thru downtown being romantic or dead in the ditch? Either way, its all the bouncers fault.
The rest of the night was spent tossing and turning, not because I was scared for my baby, but because the pizza really upset my stomach. And no it wasn’t Pizza Hut. I woke up to legit 10 miss calls. Home girl was outside my friends house were I slept like a good Christian. She brought her rat trap mans back, luckily we were all asleep due to the fact it was FOUR AM so the door was locked.
So her and GI Joe had to get a hotel room and I guess Super 8 was the only option…..TRASHY! Did he have a coupon? I texted her whats up and she goes “Please come get me I’m begging you”. I raced over there hella quick like any daddy would and saved her ass like some sassy Superman.
As she entered my car, I gave her a judgmental look and I began to hear about her suspect ass night. They left Clinton Street and started to “explore the city”. He wanted to show her this cool spot(to die) so they took an Uber there. Legit they got out and made the Uber driver wait why they tried to be cute I guess. How RUDE! Let the man go home to his kids. They then proceeded back into the car and made the driver take them to the Inner harbor to run around like banshees. Finally they ended up at my girls house but couldn’t get in. So they made the driver take them to Super 8.
It was there where she discovered the diesel truth. Homeboy was a trucker….. that is why he was alone. He dropped his load and gets 5 days of play? He claims he is in the Army but was discharged. HOWEVER when they hooked up he had no dog tags on soooooo I’m highly suspicious. She claims at the time she was in a love high that was broken in the morning from the smell of mildew. But I have a feeling baby girl had fun with trucker boy and she just doesn’t want to admit it. His age is still unknown.
Like in another world Trucker Boy murdered her at the super 8 motel and is currently wearing her skin like a fur coat. She tried to blame this on us but then I remind her, bitch you mad old. You are a product of your own decisions. Fuck outta here.
Xoxo I hope she checked the wall for camera and the bed for….well you know
P.s. NO THIS ISN’T ABOUT TERRA
Sir Dutches 
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