Can you wanna be bad ass suburban girlies give your mom a break? She doesn’t bust her ass at work WHILE GETTING HER MASTERS, to come home and deal with your bullshit. You think her ass wants to come home and deal with you being a deadbeat, lowlife while your trash bag boyfriend is hiding out upstairs. Why? Because his parents manned up and threw his bum ass out. He should be growing the hell up and getting his shit together, not hiding out upstairs like Anne Frank.
I became aware of this hostage situation last week. I went to my friends mum’s house to fix her co-workers computer. Best Buy wanted $400 to do that, God only knows why. My Christian ass offered to do it for free. As I arrive I get straight to work. It was only my friend and her mother, or so I thought. I heard mad noises upstairs, finally my friends trash bag sister comes down.
She is the definition of a toxic mess. She graduated High School last year and she is more lost than Lewis and Clark. She has zero clue what she wants to do with her life so instead of attending Job Fairs or being my intern, she’s slumming with a joke of a human who goes back and forward between his girlfriend and whatever the hell he calls my friends sister. I’m assuming “Side hoe” or “Bitch whos house I can stay at for free”.
She comes down and we get chatting and I start throwing mad shade her way. That’s when I heard more noises from upstairs. I go is someone upstairs, thirsty girl goes “No mind your own”. Okay sweetie you wanna play that game? So you know my noisy ass, I bum rush it upstairs with my phone all ready to record whatever the hell I find. Before I even went up the first step, pathetic girl grabs my shirt and rips me down like some Hulk Beast.
I go okay Heroin addict chill out I’m not gonna find your plan B stash. I go who the hell is up there, she claims no one but still won’t let me go up. So I go okay I’ll call the cops and say someone is breaking in upstairs. Her tune changed real quick and she tried to flirt with me to change the topic. I giggle and go, “Honey you wish I went that way”. She runs upstairs and locks the door like some Teenager mad at her step mom.
I look around for the hidden cameras and go, “WTF is going on”. Her mother proceeds to tell me she believes her nasty ass daughters trash bag mans is staying upstairs. Now the mothers room is on the bottom floor so she barely goes up there. But that isn’t the point. Why is some scavenger hoarding himself upstairs? Is he paying rent? Buying Groceries? Can my mom friend claim him on her taxes?
I said lets go and drag his ass outta here, I got my carrying permit. They all get mad nervous and say, “we can’t he’s in a gang and will freak out”. Honey, I am the gang, they all get their pills from me. So I Facebook this bum and honestly I laughed. He is some skinny ass puta who’s ass I could even drag. Da fuq he gonna do to me? You can hurt someone if they are already dead inside.
I could not believe a strong ass cute Mum is allowing her ghetto baby girl daughter and her joke of a mans control her house. I immediately reached out to his REAL girlfriend and told her whats good. She said I was lying, I go lying? Hoe I will Facetime your ass next time he is sleeping in my girls bed. Don’t be stupid sweetie, its not a good look for you or your family. STOOPID!
I wanna go over and hear some good ass Mom gossip, I don’t wanna worry about homeboy listening threw the vents. So moms if you are afraid of your daughters boyfriend here’s what you gotta do. First, see if he’s on parole. If so he can’t be around felon’s, so I’ll have all my bad ass homies come over and I’ll snitch on his ass.
Next, disown your daughter. Even if she breaks up with the waste of space, she will just move on to another loser. This will only bring you down mentally and physically. End that shit in its tracks. After the age of 17, dating a loser isn’t cute anymore, its just pathetic. Have some self-respect my God. You are ruining your families good name.
Lastly, get yourself a carrying permit and let him know you are apart of that life. Next time you come home and he there, SHOOT HIS ASS. Say you thought it was a burglar, any Jury would take one look at this joke of a human and scream NOT GUILTY. There are ways to get his ass gone, don’t be like my girlies mom and condone it till its too late. He already eating all her leftovers and the upstairs smells like shit because he don’t shower. Nasty. This is just a mess. So now I gotta take over and get my hands dirty and gas his ass out
Xoxo ladies its better to be single than to be the joke of the town. Yeah Brooke this is about you, YOU ARE DESTROYING OUR FAMILY
Sir Dutches 
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