Can we cancel all predatory dudes in 2019? I am so over guys being hella creepy and blaming it on being drunk. When we chop off your dick can we blame it on being drunk? Imma start recording all these dudes doing suspect ass shit to MY girlies and send it to their Mamas.
What would Mommy Carol think of her little boy smacking a sweet girls ass? I don’t think she would be proud of her touchy hands Eagle Scout. Or better yet make all suspect dudes wear a body camera out. You wanna be a creep, we gonna put you on blast via Twitter and YouTube. Don’t these A-holes know my girls can fight?
So what happened was my Girlies, their mans and I went to Alexandra Bay to get some much needed fun in the sun. Everything was fine and dandy till we hit downtown. First we ordered a party bus, instead we got a van. Like I’m sorry but what? How do we go from a bus that fits 14 to a soccer mom van that fits 8 if you suck in your stomach. Beyond rude. Making us look type ghetto baby girl. Anyways, we were at the first bar, minding our own while tearing up the dance floor.
Out of nowhere a dude smacks not just one of my girls ass, BUT TWO OF THEM. Talk about ballsy. I believe in an eye for an eye, so I was going to smack his ass to see how he likes it but before I could even walk over. Punches were being thrown and all hell broke loose. Mad people defended my queens, I felt so blessed. Luckily the bartender was flirting with me before so he knew we weren’t the type to cause drama, thus he kicked Mr. smacky out.
We continued to dance at the club till this old ass couple was deff trying to make us join their swingers party. First they were all over my girlie, legit came behind her while she was twerking. Ummm where is your grandchildren?
Next they come up to me, I assume because I was the best dancer there. They ask me if I wanted a drink, I go sure Titos Soda. Not because I was going to drink it (daddys done with hard liquor, it causes stress lines on my forehead) but because I was gonna give it to my girlies. They deserve it after getting smacked on the ass.
They leave and come back with it, it was a double so I was like damn they really want this Daddy D. I give it to my girl and she took a big ass sip and spits it out on me. I go girl da fuq is wrong with you. She goes, “Matt this is straight titos I’m about to throw up”.
Did Grandma and Grandpa try to get me trashed so I would come home with them? This is why you NEVER accept a drink from random senior citizens. We immediately left after that, I was NOT feeling that place. In another universe they kidnapped me and I’m currently locked up in their basement while their grand-babies draw all over me.
The next bar we went to was hella cute, mad platforms to dance on and not just one but TWO stripper poles. Daddy was in heaven. Long time readers know I ALWAYS get kicked out of bars because I try to dance on their poles. Talk about being BadBitchAphobic, YEAH I’M TALKING ABOUT YOU LAVA. As soon as I get on the pole and no one dragged me off, it was over. I turned into a white Cardi B.
The pole was amazing but honestly was a deathtrap, it had a speaker above it so I kept on hitting my head on it. I think I’m concussed. The other pole was legit loose so every time I came down on it, it would shake like an earth quack. Literally fix that shit before you get a lawsuit.
A group of new girls surrounded me and we all went to town. A circle Twerk. However I saw their heavy set friend was sitting down alone, I felt so bad. Include her assholes. So y’all know me, I went up and gave her a personalize lap dance. Ass claps in all. She was loving it but then her friends legit tried to pull me away from her. I gave them the death look and went back to town on her. Like don’t be rude ladies, let home girl have some fun too. Besides, you skinny bitches could barely dance.
What happened next was beyond insane. I was on the pole again and I look over and one of my friends is in a choke hold on the ground, another is being dragged out while another one is punching a guy. Talk about women power. What caused this? Ass smacker showed up at the bar and said some fowl shit. During all this I was on the pole minding my own, like I should, I would die in a fight. I go over to defuse the situation and we collectively decided to go home and get pizza. Talk about a dramatic ending of the night!
That is honestly my luck, I find a club were they accept me for the amazing dancer I am and what happens? Some dumb ass ruins it by being a creep. I was livid, so before I left I told every girl that dude and his friends have the clap and baby dicks. I have a feeling they went home alone that night. Karma baby dick crew.
Xoxo imma get my own stripper pole for home use, I’m sick of the games
Sir Dutches 
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