I am seriously terrified to be out in public, day or night. No one can go anywhere with out getting shot up or jumped. Sorry God made me cute! Don’t punish me for it!
It’s truly a scary ass world out there with no ways to protect ourselves! Does Cuomo want me dead? Guns are too messy and lowkey scary, my stupid ass would either choke up and not shoot thus still getting my ass jumped. Or the gun would malfunction and somehow I would shoot my ass. Luckily I’m hella skinny so a bullet won’t kill me, but still shit would hurt and the hospital doesn’t have an HDMI hook up for my Apple TV.
Two gay dudes got jumped at the fair so I was like okay damn I need to get something to protect my cute ass. Because between the psychos, the stalkers, the priests and the Kevin Spacey’s someones gonna try something one day and I am NOT being a sex slave for some sweaty ass man. No thank YOU. My girlies might wanna wake up next to a fat slob but NOT me.
So I decided to get myself something cute to protect my adorable ass. I went online and found a dope ass website that sells police baton’s in different colors. I was going to get TT and I the diamond coated one that whips out to 21 inches of steel. Imagine someone trying to mug me but then BAM my ass whips out my diamond coated police baton and I beat some ass.
The gangsters would NEVER see it coming. So sassy I love it. I was also going to get my boss one that said “Boss Lady” down the handle in bright red. They were doing a 3 for $120 special so I had to bless my girlies. They deserve it for putting up with my annoying crusty ass.
This was when I learned the cold hard truth, fucking NYS outlawed them. Just like everything else in life. My boss told me that her friend had one and was charged with it because they are illegal in New York. Like WTF is wrong with New York? Do y’all want my skinny ass dead? I can’t fight, I can’t shoot, I refuse to stab and now I can’t beat some ass. Why would they outlaw these? I understand that we can have some Looney Toons out there BUT I’m not a looney, I’m Lil Papi! I would be like the White Jackie Chan with a metal stick. BAM bitch, try to steal my Louis Vuitton again and I’ll make that ass black and blue.
I next looked into mace and NOPE that’s illegal as well. Unless I wanna get a little ass small pepper spray but I have to get permission for it by registering it with New York State. I don’t need my ass on another register. I’m sorry but all that work for someone to have pain in their eyes for like 5 minutes is BULL SHIT! I am jaw dropped at the lengths NYS is making me go through to protect my skinny ass.
I would get a taser but NOPE those are illegal as well. I found a dope iPhone taser on Amazon but they won’t ship it to New York! Who can I bribe? I swear Cuomo and his rich bitches want me dead. I understand making it harder to get a gun but not a police baton. It could save my life AND make my outfit look really cute.
How else are we going to protect ourselves? Ain’t nobody got time for Karate lessons, da fuq. Why would they out law a taser? Let me zap a bitch. It’s a little pain for a total for 3 minutes. I had to get tasered to rush for Kappi Klit during college and to be honest I’ve never felt more alive. Yeah they all stole my wallet and grabbed my ass while I was passed out but that’s frat life baby!
Xoxo so if I die downtown please blame Cuomo
Sir Dutches 
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