This last weekend I was at the Cardi B concert at the Lakeview Amphitheater. It was an AMAZING time of twerking, drinking and making my father ashamed of me once again. I expected to make memories, maybe even blackout, but NEVER in my wildest dreams did I imagine I would be offered an amazing opportunity where I can showcase my true talent, ass clapping while getting paid for it. If only my friends in Boy Scouts could see me now!
I was dancing my ass off at the concert, truly in my own element. When I ran into my baby girl CC. She was like omg big daddy you gotta meet my friends. I love to meet new people. New friends means I can replace my current shitty ones. I met 2 of her friends who work in Massachusetts at a strip club. They live here but drive out for the weekends.
As soon as they saw me dancing they saw money bags. They immediately pulled me aside and said you need to come work with us. Our boss will send over a contract asap. They said and I quote, “We have never seen anyone so skinny dance like such a thick bitch before”. I was beyond blushing.
Their strip club is currently popping but the male club they own next store is doing horrible. Ever since their main dancer quit to work for Booty Meat (their biggest competitor), things have been shit. The new group of guys just don’t care! They ain’t have no babies to support. They are there for the dick and NOT the tips.
They believe that I could be the key bad bitch to revive this once bitch ass club. They said I would work Thursday, Fridays and Saturdays. I would be the main event thus I set the theme and drink specials for each night.
Thursday’s will be church night, I’ll only strip to my favorite church music. This way the priests that hide out in the back will feel more at home. “My God, My God why have you abandoned me” Ass clap to the left, ass clap to the right, shimmy shake and end scene.
Friday’s are God is a Women nights, I’ll dance to only songs sung by Independent ass bitches. Like Celine Dion, Whitney, Tina Turner, Carly Simon. And I’ll do this all while only wearing a Swarovski Crystal speedo & a fur coat. This is a look but don’t touch type of night. Shit will be lit. Mike Pence already said he would buy a VIP table this night.
Lastly Saturday’s will be the main event, Daddy’s Bad Bitch Theater. Each night I will preform a one man show of my favorite Broadway musicals, while dancing on a stage of only 6 stripper poles. Yeah its as intense as it sounds. I’ll be flying from pole to pole like some money. Shit mad acrobatic. Ugh I can already picture me doing a Tarzan night.
Can’t you SOOO see me singing “Listen” from Dreamgirls while swinging from pole to pole while clapping my ass and crying cause I want my dreams to finally be heard? Yeah I have fucking chills too. Oscar Worthy. Move the fuck over Meryl Streep. My new co workers said I would get a cut of the door profits and I can keep all my tips besides Big Tony gets a 5% cut or else he’ll gut me like a fish.
Plus they have a strippers union that really looks out for us dancers. If you don’t wanna suck, you don’t gotta suck. Last year the girls banned together and got free day care. This year they are working on getting rid of the glory holes.
All this sounds so amazing but they said no hoes, so my babygirl TT can’t come with me. They think hoes are a distraction and will get in the way of the one thing I was put on this earth to do, make big Tony money. Like can I trust her not to be a skank when I’m away working to support OUR family? Prob not. A hoe gotta eat, y’all feel me. Knowing her, I’ll come back and she’ll have a new Homo Honey that wears crop tops and attends pride parades with her. Ew………………AS IF, a bitch this bad could never be replaced.
Xoxo hey mom and dad wanna see me at work? Just come to Big Dick Dan’s on County Route 87 next to the Old Country Buffet