I, for one, am NOT a fan of birthdays. Another year older means another year of wrinkles and broke bitches. BUT I do love a day all about me. Even thou lets be real I make every day about me. A day about me is a day without fleas. That’s what TT always tells me.
I love a dark and spooky birthday party because my soul is dark and spooky. Two years ago I had the best birthday ever. My girlies and I went to Salem, Mass and got hella spooky. For one weekend we were bitches and witches. We stayed at a Air BnB right in the heart of Salem and it was AMAZING. Shit was deadass like Halloweentown. All the ugly bitches were masks so we were hella blessed.
We had so much fun we wanted to return last year but legit the whole town was booked. Mad single moms take there kids there now, its ridiculous. Y’all ain’t even witches like us? Do you even know what the hair of a puppy is. Can you cast a mother fucking spell? I think NOT! Nasty ass Muggles.
We were so desperate to go back we even put an AD on craiglist begging for a place stay. The title was “Daddy and his 5 pretty baby girls need a place to stay please help”. Instead of getting legit offers from mad nice landlords with cookies, we got pedophiles thinking my AD was code for some creep shit. This isn’t Pizzagate. HOW RUDE. Yeah I reported their asses to the FBI and I have a feeling one of them was Jeffery Epstein. Telling me he’ll give us half off if my girlies will “Give him a spin” boy BYE, you ain’t seeing that ass.
This year I wanted Salem again but all the PTO moms rented every place once again, like can y’all focus on your marriage and not being spooky. So I thought omg Sleepy Hallow, New York but nope shit all rented out too.
That’s when I had the brilliant idea to stay in a house where people died. Talk about dark and spooky! Nothing makes me more happy than a spirit entering my body. So romantic. I googled and found one about an hour from Syracuse where a father murdered his wife and 3 children. Legend has it during the Great Depression he went crazy after losing everything. He started hearing voices telling him he can get his money back if he gives the banks a human sacrifice.
The day the bank came to repo his house, no one answered. The cops busted down the door assuming maybe they already left. When they walked in they found his wife and 3 children dead chopped into little pieces, the size of a sliver dollar. When they go upstairs they found the husband shaking, holding a butchers knife, whispering “my debts are cleared my debts are cleared”.
He was arrested and sentenced to death. While they were hanging him he was screaming again “my debts are cleared my debts are cleared”. Then SNAP. Homebody died with his debts still not paid. Now he haunts his house and his local banks, making sure no one signs up for a checking account. So yeah shit HELLA scary my baby girls are gonna DIE. Literally.
I contacted the lady and said girl I want that place and yeah I got my monies ready. Cash or check Missy. She said perfect its $400 a night and everyone has to sign wavers in case they die. Bitch what? We got insurance and I got life insurance policies on their asses, I am SET.
Besides, my girlies are baby back bitches, homeless people scare them. Hell when they look in the mirror without make up on they get scared. They will not sign that shit nor will they come. That’s why I planned on lying to them and saying we were staying at the Hilton. But no Carol wants to be a spooky girl cock block. Who hurt you?
I just wanna play drinking games, make some giggles and possible being possessed by a demonic spirit who wants me to kill my baby girls and wear their skin as fur. Or even better one of my girlies falls in love with a boy but plot twist its the son of the the man who murdered his family, home boy a ghost. 9 months later she’s pregnant with the son of Satan. Little guy mad cute till he slits your throat during breast feeding.
All this and even more fucked up shit COULD of happened and yeah I would of recorded it all. But Carol wants to be selfish. I attempted to forge their signatures but Carol said they had to be notarized. I am THIS close to sending mad evil spirits her way. I practice light skin magic, don’t test me sis.
I am currently on the hunt for a new house but I can’t find anything really spooky. It’s either a suicide or someone died of old age. I want mad scary shit. I want little orphan Annie, who murdered her new adopted family because they tried to dye her red hair blonde. Or Diane, the mom who snapped and poisoned her whole family because they wouldn’t stop talking during Wheel of Fortune.
It’s my damn birthday and what I want, I fucking get. If I wanna spook my girlies, imma spook my girlies, with or without a haunted house. If this plan doesn’t work my friend is a prison guard and said we could all sleep in a cell for my B-day party. Sounds fun but getting stabbed while twerking during the pregame does NOT. Plus Big Tony is an inmate there and we beef hardcore.
Xoxo wanna really turn me on? Tell me your favorite serial killer