Celine Dion and I go wayyy back. She was basically my second mother growing up. When my parents were too busy at the bar, Celine sang me to sleep. My mom had all her CD’s and played them on repeat, so naturally I became obsessed with my Canadian goddess.
Her voice is like no other and honestly sis is hella funny. They do NOT make them like her any more! Watch any interview or mid concert banter, baby girl is cracking jokes left and right. A true Joan Rivers. She is too geeked.
When I heard she was leaving the cigarette smell of Vegas and going on tour, I sat my ass on my computer at work and waited for tickets to go on sale. Screw every client, Celine comes first.
I knew Ticketmaster fucks ticket scalpers so I was NOT missing out on tickets. Due to the blessing of Jesus I was able to get 4 tickets. My mum, my sister, TT and I. TT and I knew we had to be good around mum, so titos singles only. No doubles this weekend.
The concert was a mix of the gays, ladies and their mans. Aka all fun and no drama. It’s legit the straight dudes that cause ALL the extra-ness at concerts. Fighting, getting sloppy and just being RUDE! At a Celine concert the only fight is over what album is her best. Or if she’s really dating that younger man. And btw if she is, you go girl! You deserve the world.
Merchandise was an arm and a leg. Like really $45 dollars for a T-shirt. My adorable Virgin Mary Celine Dion shirt which everyone loved and honestly should be in a museum, was only $23 on this sketchy ass website.
I get you got bills to pay girl but so does my ass. A hoodie was fucking $100. So I had to limit myself to a t shirt, water bottle and two mugs. One for work, one for home. Just to let all my clients know they ain’t a fan of Celine like me.
My queens had to go to the bathroom so we all walked together as a family so no one got mugged. Pretty people have to stick together. And now that TT’s hella skinny we are like a walking target. Classically the ladies room line looked like it was plucked from Disney World. But the Men’s was basically empty. So I announced, “In New York if you identify as a male you can use the men’s room. Lets go BOYYS”. About 30 girls then bum rushed it to the men’s room it was glorious. No one’s getting a UTI on my watch.
At the concert I truly was in heaven. As I started to walk to my seat, everyone starts yelling omg you are on camera. I threw my drink and went face down ass up so quick. It was unreal. I felt like the teens at the end of Footloose. All eyes were on me like the center of circus. This wasn’t like a one time thing either. The camera kept on coming back to me like it was in love. Which can you blame it?
At one point they kept cutting back from this older goddess and I. She was mimicking my skinny boy twerks and at they end they split screened us. That split screen alone could have won multiple Oscars.
As soon as Celine came out, I felt like I was in the presence of a true God. When I die and float up to heaven(fingers crossed), I would not be shocked to find out our God is a women and her name is Celine. How else does she have a voice like that? Not one mistake, nothing was off tune. Baby girl just flawlessly sang her heart out for two hours. Not a drop of sweat on her. If it was me, I would be huffing and puffing after the first chorus.
I loved everything about the concert. She was cracking jokes, she sang my favorite songs and two new songs from her new Album, Courage. But a few NASTY people were complaining she didn’t sing enough of her new shit. Girl BYE! That album came out LAST WEEK. You think everyone else learned every song within one week like you and I? No. Chill with your SLANDER! People are so ungrateful sometimes. It’s upsetting me and my home girls.
After the concert we hit downtown Albany. I lived in Albany before but sadly I was under age and someone STOLE my fake before I left (deff mum). So this was a first for me, so I brought the taser. The first bar we went to had free pizza with every drink. Sadly however the pizza was garbage. I met so many new baby girls there as I danced the night away.
However drama arrived. I am stinky legging it when I noticed TT in the face of three frat bros yelling ” I would rather be a faggot than a grandma fucker you inbreed prick”. Ugh my favorite new song. I rush over and was like um girl chill with all that?
She goes, “no they called you a faggot”. ME? Little old ME!? No way! I get high off people saying cruel things to me. You’re putting all your energy in to me? That is so sweet! Normally I don’t care when people call me a fag. I THRIVE off hate. I’ll just snatch a piece of their hair and cast a wicked spell, no bigger.
But I was honestly jaw dropped. Is this the 1980’s? Who the fuck calls someone a faggot in public trying to act like big man on campus? A lowkey homo that’s who. Right away I could tell which one who said it, the one wearing Vineyard Vines looking like a future Dateline special. Hide your drinks ladies.
The spirit world told me that his daddy beats him and his mamas a drunk. So I felt bad for this one. I wasn’t going to rip him apart mentally and physically. Nor was I going to play the victim and exploit the situation via social media and ruin this guys life. Instead I found him on google and signed him up for mad gay porn magazine and send them to his fathers house. Christmas should be VERY exciting in that house :p
So we left that cesspool of jealously and went to another bar were we ran into even more Celine fans. We made the DJ play Celine song thus making half the bar leave in disgust. 
And that was my night! Are you waiting for another drunken tale of me trying to fight someone? Or cussing TT out over bullshit? This time there wasn’t any because every shot TT got me that night was legit a Shirley temple. Yeah baby girl tricked me! She got me REAL good. Her shots were real however and she was so hungover and tried to convince the Uber driver to drive her to her mans house……in Syracuse…..2 and a half hours away. I love being Good Boy.
Xoxo FAGGGOT? Who me? Couldn’t be!
Sir Dutches 
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