If you are an avid reader of the “Daddy franchise” aka my book series of my life, you are well informed about my time living down south. After my two weeks of hell working for little Miss Rig the DNC (Hillary) I decided I couldn’t go back to Syracuse and face all the questions about why I no longer worker for the presidential robot or how I went from a size 12 to a size 1, yes I had the lap band surgery, mind your own. Any who, my time down south is book three, “Daddy blows the mason Dixon line”, my time down south was AMAZING but also had its drama. Sadly no fun drama like the local Klan kidnapped me and tied me up with rainbow nipple ties, nah instead the drama was my drunk ass.
When I lived down south I had a select group of girlies who loved daddy for daddy, but we all know me, I need at least 15 close girlies cause I get bored quick. Sadly, people down south don’t mesh with me well. Mad people had jealously issues with me. But they did tell me I was their favorite homo, so sweet! I think it has something to do with the fact that they smoke Dro and not that exotics like me, it must be a catholic thing.
I lived in my aunts house right on the beach, it was like something out of a porno. Mama Dutches decided to plan a trip and come visit me! I was so hyped but my dumbass did NOT plan accordingly. This was around the time I got my two speeding tickets because cops cant hop off my dick, but this was also the time I got the $1,000 dollar weed ticket as well. DAMN! Talk about money down the drain. But if it isn’t on my record now, it didn’t happen!
Because of this, I legit had very little funds till pay day, which side note, biweekly pay is honestly a sin. Y’all should pay us EVERYWEEK you know we can’t be trusted with money like da fuq, now I gotta strip to get some cash to paid for Mama’s pancakes. Any way, we were gonna make this trip work! The first day mama came in around 6pm, right when I finished work. My co-workers wanted to meet Mama Dutches but I didn’t think they deserved to see that sweet ass in person. So instead we cuddled, watched our shows and chilled all night, it was beyond romantic! The next day I had work so she dropped me off and I guess played with herself all day, I don’t know to be honest. I told her to go to South College and flirt with the city boysssss, but after she saw all the violence on the news, she was afraid to go ANYWHERE alone.
That night we went out and made that city our BITCH! We made so many new girlies and we all grinded like hookers. Ugh I have so many SEXY dance videos of us but one of my new girlies was sweating like a sea cow in it(sweat stains galore) and I’m TRYING to be nice matt in 2018 so I wont put her on blast. Drinks down south luckily weren’t pricey but the weed was. My God a Quarter was legit $90 I gagged. Thank God I always would bend and snap to my dealer to make that price lower, but still shit ridiculous. That night was the best night and the last good night of this trip, it was all down south from there.
We woke up the next day and got brunch downtown. Shit was HELLA COLD and runny. How the hell do you ruin French Toast? WHO RAISED YOU? This was vacay so obviously I asked for a mimosa, we learn North Carolina doesn’t SERVE liquor till noon. Im sorry but WHAT? Don’t tell ME when I can or cannot have a mimosa, do you not understand how rough my life is? SELISH! After that rudeness we bounced and said we done, thank you very much. We decided to walk downtown, and once again God was playing pranks. This tinder match I deaded a week earlier was legit walking our way. I THOUGHT at first this dude was cool but then he asked me whats my favorite season of Real Housewives so I had to block his ass. I don’t need two faggots in this relationship, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. Mama Dutches and I ran away so quick, I felt like a girlie who just ran into her stalker ex.
We got Old Country Buffet for dinner which was honestly the grossest thing EVER. The chicken was uncooked and how the hell do you have steak for only $10 dollars. Shit city? Luckily Mama let me get a pizza as well, we were gonna go out but my ass was broke so I said lets just stay in, cuddle, maybe make a baby, start a family!She goes “touch me and die”, she was defiantly annoyed that we weren’t doing anything but those who stay in, STAY out of trouble!
The next day, she legit was feeling horrible from Old Country Buffett. I knew better, I made my self throw up RIGHT after we ate. I was NOT subjecting my body to that garbage. Not even my dog would eat that. Mama was resting all day and I was bored so by like 2pm yeah I started to drink, don’t judge. One drink led to another and by 6pm Mama woke up and I was trashed. She was beyond livid, I honestly thought she was gonna whoop my ass. It is mostly a blur but I remember mama legit going nuts on me, making me feel like the drunk dad whos family hates him. We left to get food, and my drunk ass was out the window yelling and shit, legit going insane. Finally after screaming in her face she pulled over and got out to teach me a lesson.
Instead my drunk ass taught myself a lesson and I got into the drivers seat and drove away. I don’t even remember driving back to the beach house, which thank God was down the road. I literally left Mama Dutch, alone, on a random street, in a city she has never been in before…..yeah the fact that we’re still friends amazes me too. Talk about a ride and die!! She would give me her left tit if I asked for it, such a total betty! Mama Dutch took an uber back and that’s when I heard her banging on the door. I was so stupid I hid behind the door till she screamed ” I CAN FUCKING SEE YOU”, her dad called me and said “If you don’t unlock that door I will beat your ass myself”. I go “its been unlocked your daughter is drunk”. I was such a prick.
She comes in, its beyond awkward but finally we laugh over it. I assumed things were fine till the next day when her bags are packed and she says, “So im leaving today instead of in two days, I just cant do this anymore”. I honestly felt like that single dad who is trying his hardest to impress his kids but nothing works. I felt so guilty that I legit ruined her trip. But hey talk about some great memories….well for me not for Mama. Why did I have to drink so much! It seriously hard having such a type skinny cheerleader type body! Either I can handle my liquor or I cant, there is NO in-between. This is why I only drink wine now.
Xoxo I didn’t even get a piece of that sweet Mama Dutches ass all weekend, SMH!