My skinny minnie co-worker wrongly thought this years Valentines Day will consist of her eating Ice Cream while crying herself to sleep again. BOY WAS SHE WRONG. Her new bumble mystery mans surprised her at work with a Valentines Day miracle. She STILL waiting on gifts her past boyfriends promised her but “lost”. Show me the receipts scumbags. Where dat promise ring at doe?
Who knew Bumble actually would find her someone. BUT who is that someone? Can Papi trust him now that he knows where I fucking work. Yes I have my glock in my waistband so I’ll shoot anyone. BUT like what if he like shoots first? And why won’t she show me a pic of him! Does he have a lazy eye? Is he bottom heavy?
Doesn’t this sound so romantic? Its like a serial killer movie mixed with a Hallmark tale of love. She meets this older gentlemen online. Yeah I’m pretty sure he is at least 40. He owns 3 Subway franchisee and recently got out of a messy marriage. So yeah old.
Ugh old TT loved Subway. They instantly clicked over their mutually love of Trucks, Mud and Trump. They already have inside jokes over the wall, its so romantic. But can they chill? Shit they just started talking on Monday. It’s Friday and he ALREADY asking her to make a joint Facebook page together. I get that he got money, but my girl this isn’t it
Yesterday I got her flowers cause I didn’t want to hear her cry all day again. She been on her gym grind and one bad day can throw that off. When Speedway ran out of Newports she threw a month long bitch fit and gained 50 pounds. Does she not know she can get them at Sunoco? Idiot girl.
As we are getting over her mid-day hump, I go outside to get us some coffees. I immediately notice a black escalade playing Barry Manilow music. Only gays and old dudes like Barry so I was thrown off guard. Who’s grandpa is this? Or is he someones Homo-Honey? I tried to look in the windows but they were tinted. Who’s drug dealing ass grandpa is this?! I run inside to tell TT and that’s when I put two and two together. She was in the mirror making herself look type cute. The drug dealing grandpa IS HER BUMBLE MAN.
She runs out and into his car, she refuses to let me see him. He even drops her off down the road and she walks back, now she isn’t a lazy bitch? OKAY! When she comes back in, she deadass has two dozen roses in a glass vase. Not even a ghetto plastic one, legit in a glass one. She also has a case of white claws for me and a Tiffany necklace for TT, I was shook. OKAY HE GOT MONEY.
Not only did he get TT a bomb ass gift but he got me some drinks as well so sweet. Are they roofied? He couldn’t of gotten me cash? After calming down cause someone actually got her a gift, I started to think. How did he know where we work? And how did he know I love white claws? TT swears she didn’t tell him but she a lying ass skank so IDK. It’s like I’m happy for her and all BUT this is weird. He drops over $200 for a hoe he just met? Is he desperate or a Ted Bundy wannabe? I watched that Ted Bundy documentary. I know killer when I see one. BUT I couldn’t see this dude.
Is that why TT is hiding him? Cause she knows I’ll discover his truth right way? They are going on a date tonight and if he does kill her what do I tell the police? My baby girl met this dude online who may be suspect but its cool he got me white claws? Maybe I’ll be proven wrong and he is just a nice sweet old rich man with wrinkly balls who just happens to love my baby girl.
Xoxo WHO IS MYSTERY MAN?
Sir Dutches 
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