The key to my heart is a HoneyBaked Ham


Besides watching TT workout, the only thing that makes me moist is a bombass HoneyBaked Ham. God truly blessed the earth when he created ham but then decided to be even sassier by adding honey and brown sugar to it. I was first acquainted with Gods meat as a young lad. My mum took me there to pick up an Easter Ham, the lovely sample lady gave me my first bite and it was truly heaven on earth. I felt like that pink bitch during  Beauty School Drop Out in Grease. 

After that, I told my family don’t expect me at any family events unless their is HoneyBaked Ham. Knowing I’m a man of my bitch fits and words, they honored my request, until HoneyBaked Ham closed in the late 2000’s. I honestly wanted to cry, I wore all black for a month. This was the hardest I’ve mourned till Whitney….rip baby gurl. 

As I went thru a Brown Sugar and Honey-less life, I started to spinal out of control. Eating basic ass Ham that had zero flavor like fucks with you mentally. I would have to drown my ham in gravy just to feel something. BTW gravy is fucking bomb. Give me a BLT and some beef gravy to dip it in and I’ll be your bitch! I wanna make gravy on the go drinks. Shark Tank?

It wasn’t till I moved down south(Book 2 in my series “Daddy blows the Mason Dixon Line”) that I met my first love again.This place didn’t just sell ham they also sold sandwiches too! Fuck Panera, I’m a HoneyBaked Hoe. So when I was invited to my trashy cousins house in Charlotte for Thanksgiving you know my ass brought a ham. It was a half size and smelt like what I imagine Patti LaBelle to smell like. It was only like $50 dollars too, SO WORTH IT!

My family is so obsessed with my well-being/happiness they would give me a 30 minute notice till Dinner was done so I could take my before dinner medication……when I came back in I honestly cried. Screw the turkey the Ham was sitting there looking like a dime piece. It felt like the ham and I were having a sexual connection.  It was like watching my bride walking down the isle. Because the rest of my family was uncultured swine they didn’t eat any of the ham. I had left overs for 2 weeks, so blessed. 

When Mama Dutches visited me we came back trashed and eat the hell out of that ham. It was truly a wonderful way to end the night. Someone open a HoneyBaked franchise here with me. I wanna get one for Thanksgiving but will it still taste good shipped in the mail? Can I trust UPS to protect my precious child during delivery? How much is shipping? Someone with these answers HMU, preferably with a coupon as well.

Xoxo HoneyBaked Ham should do a ham of the month club!

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